It's been a rough week in our house with our daughter. For years her hiccups/spasms have remained somewhat the same and these past few weeks they've grown in intensity and frequency....which is never a comforting thing 😓 We feel lots of love from family and friends who have shared her video, called their doctors, sent us ideas and so much more. Thank you!

When walking through a reality that you wish wasn't yours, it can be easy to ask a lot of why questions. Why us, why her, why now and why not help us? It brings me a lot of comfort knowing I can ask my God these questions - scripture is full of his children crying, pleading and begging for help as they walk through a broken world and the pain that it brings. It's ok to be crying as you walk IN faith of what you know is true about God. When life is full of blessing and joy abounding we don't often ask God "Why me, why us, why now or why help us?" I'm guilty of believing at times that God owes me something and of course he doesn't. Not a healthy child, not a happy life, not success or well being. Everything He has given to me has been because of his great love and out of grace. If this seems "unfair" just think about good that is.......it's NOT dependent upon us to be good enough, be nice enough or do all the good things for others that will earn us anything. He gives freely.
Because He actually IS good.

It's unclear what is going on with Juliana still. The unknown is a great place for fear to take route and only the Holy Spirit can help me combat that fear. Her spasms look so much like a seizure that her GI doctors always feel like she has a secondary neurological condition going on aside from her EOE (esophagus autoimmune disease) but the neurology department also has thrown up their hands with no more ideas. We are looking at bigger places next - like UCLA, a major EOE clinic in Cincinnati, Etc. UCSF is going to do an EEG while she is symptomatic to check again for seizure activity while she's having these episodes. As she's grown older it's been more heartbreaking to hear her say how much they hurt and how much she wants them to stop, but overall she has a really good attitude about it all - she doesn't really know any other reality 😢 As I'm sure any parent can relate we would do literally anything to give her relief. I would give her my esophagus and take hers if I could. We pray that God would heal her and show the world of doctors that can't explain it how great he is. But as we wait on him we trust that he is a good and loving God who is right here with us.

It sounds like it's been a kicker of a week for a lot of people. If you're struggling with life being painful and even devastating I hope you feel God's love and mercy on your life and most of all his great love for you.

I really dug deep into Lamentations this week (ha!) And I love that even in true lament....there is HOPE for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Chapter 3

I have been deprived of peace;
    I have forgotten what prosperity is.
18 So I say, “My splendor is gone
    and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man to bear the yoke

    while he is young. 

The Next Right Thing - Book Review and Personal Story

I'm really excited to feature on my blog today a guest post and book promotion from Kim Oates. Kim is a homeschooling mom of 4 and the Women's ministry director at her local church. She recently was a part of a wonderful book launch and I'm excited for you to hear from her! 

If you’ve ever been paralyzed by a decision you needed to make, you are not alone. This book and post are for you. I first began listening to Emily P. Freeman’s podcast, “The Next Right Thing” a few years ago. Her soothing voice, short episodes, and prayerful endings hooked me, and listening to it became one of my favorite weekly rhythms. Recently, Emily turned some of these podcast episodes into a book, and I’ve been able to be part of the book launch team. Head to NextRightThingBook.com, where you’ll receive some amazing bonuses for pre-ordering. You won’t regret it!

Around that same time, my husband and I embarked on a project of re-flooring our entire house…while we lived in it. It’s still up for debate whether that was our best next right thing or not, but because of that project, our hand-me-down hutch ended up being moved to the garage. We agreed it wouldn’t come back in till it was “redone,” since it had seen better days after full use from food and grime from four very small humans. 

As almost all DIY projects do, this flooring project was much longer and more difficult to complete than we had expected. As the months rolled by, the hutch sat in the garage untouched, with most of our other kitchen belongings. By the time the “project” was done, the school year was back in full-force, we were exhausted. The hutch still sat in the same place.

I began to wonder if we would ever actually redo and move that hutch. Around that time, we decided to hire a friend to paint the hutch. I can’t remember how many times I tried to explain to my husband how it would be easy and cheaper to just do it ourselves. I never convinced him. With my friend ready to begin the job, it was time for me to pick a paint color.  

Here’s where my decision-making hit an all-time low. I treated picking a paint color for this hutch as if the destiny of my first-born child was attached to the decision. First it was the decision to choose white or color. Every week I changed my mind. We finally decided we really wanted color. But then I realized there were so many colors and shades that I liked.

I began to realize that in this seemingly meaningless decision—picking the paint color for our hutch—I had begun to transfer many other actual life decision anxieties onto it. For example, which school should we send our kids to next year? I didn’t know, but I did feel like that paint color decision might help decide in a weird way. I was now judging myself and my lack of decisions about many things in my life based on my paralyzed indecision about the paint color. It was a vicious cycle. I was stuck, however I desperately needed to move on.

This hutch sitting in my garage—unpainted and unfinished—was basically an extension of how my soul was stuck in that season. I was second-guessing every decision because I wasn’t resting in God’s love and care for me. I had put an unnecessary weight on every decision as if my life would unravel if I somehow made the wrong choice. I needed to re-tether to Christ’s yoke, where in Matthew 11:28-30, Christ promises His followers, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.(ESV)”

This book, based on Emily P. Freeman’s podcast, is a welcome guide that helped shine a light on what was preventing me from making daily choices, big and small. The trouble I was having with the hutch redo was pointing to a deeper fear about decision-making in  my life. In her chapter titled, “Pick What You Like,” Freeman has a similar seemingly insignificant moment at a garden shop while trying to pick out plants.

Though the situations differ, they have one thing in common: they are all supposed to be fun, delightful parts of life. But instead, for some reason and for some of us, they take a turn into feelings of being overwhelmed, discouraged, and personally shamed. What we hope will be life-giving turns out to be life-draining, one more decision we feel incapable of making. (Freeman 200)

For some reason, I was not allowing myself the pleasure of just making the hutch be what I really liked and wanted. I was trying to justify every choice and how it would work out best, without just picking the thing that made me happy. Later in the same chapter, Freeman continues this thought.

Having pretty flowers, painting a room a bold color, or trying out a new recipe is not for people who know more, who have more, or who seem to be more than you. This is for you too. You don’t have to be fancy, rich, chosen, or special. You just get to be you. You are allowed to take up space in a room. You are allowed to choose something and you are allowed to change your mind. (Freeman 201)

As I began to release my anxiety over this small decision, the main thing I kept asking myself over and over, every little step of the way redoing that hutch was, “what do I want?” As I asked this, I also gave myself the freedom to say that it was okay if I changed my mind later.

The hutch eventually did make it back inside... two years later! Even though it took a long time, I’m grateful for the internal changes that the process and experience brought. And I was absolutely THRILLED to have the redone hutch back in my kitchen. Now that it’s back in it’s rightful place, I’m able to think about my journey of learning how to make decisions every time I grab a plate or food.

If you have ever been paralyzed by a decision you needed to make, please gift yourself this book. Better yet, pre-order the book at NextRightThingBook.com, and you’ll receive some amazing bonuses from Emily. Here’s the description from the book sleeve: “Whether you’re in the midst of a major life transition or are weary of the low-grade anxiety that daily life can bring, Emily helps create space for your soul to breathe so you can live life with God at a gentle pace and discern your next right thing in love.”

Quotes taken from Freeman, Emily P., The Next Right Thing, Grand Rapids: Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group, 2019. Book.  

When you're pulled a million directions

My husband and I recently finished something called the "Annual Examen". It's a really neat tool that walks you through an overall examen of your past year. It's divided into categories Physical/Emotional/Spiritual/Vocational and allows you (through questions) to analyze how your overall health in those areas was and currently is and what changes you would like to make moving forward.
A big one that came out of it for me when it asked: List 5 words that describe your top emotions over the past year positive or negative. One that I wrote down was the word pulled.
As I reflected more on this I think this is something so many moms are feeling. Like no one is quite getting "enough" of you. Pulled in a million directions all throughout the day. For me, wanting so badly to pour deeper into each and every area of my life. As a mom of multiples I know this just comes with the territory. Not every one of my kids can get my full attention and while I know there's so much goodness in knowing our limitations (and that kids can and should do their own thing!) I have to admit this is a huge struggle for me!

When I'm doing homeschool I see all the ways I want to go deeper, do more projects, have more fun, the co op work I should plan for and the supplies I need to order. When mothering I never want to miss a moment that may seem insignificant and have a spiritual heart conversation with that child. I want to have one on one time with them and hear the funny (and eternally long) stories they have for me. When I got to put my kids clothes in their room I see the drawers spilling over and think of all the better ways I could organize that room (haha or spark more joy? 😆) When running into the grocery store I wish I had meal planned and been more intentional with my health and fitness goals. When taking my child to the doctor I know I could spend more time researching more time improving her quality of life. When working in our ministry I see that I could easily spend 30 hours a week there and still have much to do and so so many people to invest in and care for. We all know this list goes on and on. Or maybe you're just thinking geez Anne get your life in order 😂.

But the list does go on. As a wife, a mommy, a friend, a sister. Our world is fast paced and it has to take conscious effort to fight against running on the hamster wheel. To say to no to certain sports and electives or music lessons your kids could be involved in. And as I fight against it all I can still feel the pullllllingggg on me and the internal voice telling me I have to give more and be more. Then I hear the Lord reminding me to stop. Just stop. Listen. How can I listen when I'm running at a manic pace. He reminds me that I can stop striving. That I can give what I have and know he can carry the rest. How prideful of me to think that I could provide for all the needs of the people around me instead of pointing them to the one who can provide for them in the ways their heart and soul truly needs. And even better that I can be a model of someone saying "I can't do it all" but look, look at the one who can! That yes I need to strive to be closer to my savior and do what he's called me to do but how amazing that I can lay down the expectations of doing it all and lean back on my savior and enter his rest. I know the people pleaser in me wants to make people happy with me all the time at all costs and as I've grown I've realized that often that cost is too big. The Lord calls us to GIVE generously he calls us to show others who HE is, not who we are. I know I'm guilty of feeling that pride when someone mentions how much you're doing and how well you're doing it.....yikes. What a joy that I can lift the millions of plates that I've been trying to spin at once (and in reality dropping!) and let him carry them. If you're feeling unable to carry it today please know that he can. The focus was never meant to be us, it was meant to be him. Did you know you could "accomplish" nothing and still be completely and wholly loved by him? That's something to give us big deep breaths.



Consider this section from a great book I'm reading called Made for More by Hannah Anderson

Unlike the rest of creation, as majestic and glorious as it is, only men and women are made in the image of God. Only we have the breath, the very spirit of God, flowing in our earthly lungs' only we can be truly called His children. 
And this is why your life is significant. 
It's not because of what you accomplish or how many people you influence. Your life is significant because when God created you, He "crowned [you] with glory and honor" by making you like Himself. Because as certainly as God formed our first parents, He formed you in your mother's womb, and just as certainly as they bore His image, you bear His image today. As you walk and talk and live and move--and prepare those 50,000 meals--your very existence, your life itself, reflects and represents Him on this earth.  

Choosing to Fost - Adopt

Our family has recently (as in last week!) been given the final approval for fost - adopt. I can't even believe it. I feel like we just went to the orientation to learn more and now my heart jumps every time my phone rings. This decision was one that had been on J's and my heart even back to when we were dating. Although I have to laugh, thinking back to being 17 at a candlelit dinner talking to this cute guy about how amazing it would be to adopt someday - it seemed like a lofty notion at the time and yet the Lord has kept that desire burning in both of us. Which may seem crazy since we have 3 little kids ages 7, 5 and 2 and the 2 year old seems to thinks it's his life purpose to give us zero sleep and make us wish we could baby proof every inch of our home.........all while being just so adorable it makes you want a million more of him even if you'd lose your sanity. He's currently burying my legs in throw pillows while I sit on the couch typing, actually now he's removing my socks and pulling my toes - you just can't make this stuff up. He's the only one who's really too little to understand the idea of a "foster baby" coming into our house. But I know he will do great.

We've chosen to go through the county and the way their process works is really cool. While there are still some families who choose to only foster, the county has worked to transition to mostly foster families who desire to adopt. This eliminates the foster home hopping around - which is so mind blowing to me! They call this concurrent planning - it's like track A and track B are both going at the same exact time. When a child is placed with us, everything is moving forward for them to be reunified with their biological parents, yet at the same time everything is moving forward for adoption. That way if the reunification falls out, the adoption is already in place and ready to go. This is amazing for the kiddos (especially older ones) because they know they will either be back home or at stay at their foster home. However, it can be brutal for the foster families......because this does mean we could have a child for months and then they go back to the birth parents.

What set us up really well for this process was a class our church did about adoption along with a book we read. One night a lady came in from the county and shared her story and the process they use. Everything she said convicted our hearts and showed us the places we hadn't even realized we'd wanted to control the process. She kept saying "you don't enter the foster system hoping to get the "least damaged" child possible and hoping to complete your perfect family unit". We realized we would have to embark on this journey with hands wide open knowing we may have several babies in our house before we even are given the option to adopt. That class also changed our whole perspective from US getting a child to US SERVING a child, for however long that is needed. It became less about our family and more about helping these children who needed security, love and safety.

When the social worker has asked me how we're prepared to cope with all this I've usually answered, "Well I'm not sure lol, I've never bonded with a baby and then had it taken away...." but I can honestly say we feel so much peace about this and I know the Lord will pull us through even the very hard times. They train you so well in how to create support networks around you and you're also required to meet with foster family support groups. The social worker has given us great verbiage to use with our kids like about how we're going to be helping a baby/toddler because their mommy and daddy are sick. It's very very easy for kids to transition from the baby being there 9 months and then staying forever if that is the course it takes, it's a lot harder to tell them they are staying and to have them go just a few weeks later.

So everyday we are praying for this precious kiddo that will come into our home. Our bracket it age 0-2 and female. The age is because the county greatly encourages you to keep the current birth order of your kids and the gender is because they require only 2 kids per room per gender even your own biological children - and we're pretty excited to have a baby girl in this house again. Bring on the bows and princesses again.

We were told that for the age bracket of 0-2 it's almost always a newborn - which really surprised me at first! She told me this is because unless a child is at a daycare or something is noticed at the grocery/in public, then few people interact with kiddos in those toddler years. Once they are 5 and enter kindergarten a lot are noticed for abuse or neglect and at birth they are noticed due to the mother's health. This broke my heart as I thought about all those babies and toddlers needing to wait years until they will be helped. If our girl is in that category I just keep praying for her and her parents. That God would give her comfort as she waits and that he would help the parents to love her and make good choices. Being a parent, I do feel it helps you in this process. The ideal is for that child to be back with their parents. However often that's not a safe environment......so here we wait.
The parallel to our own spiritual journey is so vivid to us these days. We didn't accidentally land into God's family and therefore he has to call us his children and love us, but instead he came to us and chose to bring us into his family. He saw everything about us - all the grime and yuck that we were stuck in and still pursued to adopt us as his children and give us life with him.
There's something so powerful about being chosen, wanted and adored - it gives my soul rest in midst of everything else. I often feel completely inadequate to do this process and can see clearly see all the things that could go wrong or how we could get hurt - but He has called us to do this of that I am sure. And that means he will provide the strength through his spirit and give us peace only he can provide.