Filling an empty tank

Last week at the GF office we watched a really short video that focused in on identifying what "drains" and what "fills" you as an individual. It was really good, and last night the hubs and I went on a date and really got to dive into those things. {Side note, we had no money left in our January eating out budget so we packed sandwiches and walked around the pond at a park -- it was great!} 

Anyways, it was great to brainstorm those things for ourselves and also to know them about each other. If you know what drains your spouse than you can either A. NOT do those things lol or B.Understand they need some inflow since they just had a big out pour.

  

We are still working on our lists, it's hard to think of the specific things that just suck you dry but I challenge you to do it! With these past months being some of the most draining and exhausting of our lives we have learned firsthand how bad we handle stress at times in the sense that we just go into extreme survival mode. And I think there are times in life where that's just the reality. 

 If in the midst of  hospital visits, medications and appointments Jeremy had said "I need to fill my tank I'll be out fishing all day" it probably wouldn't have been the BEST form of refilling in that specific time. But to an extent we do need to do this. When Juliana was getting one of her many MRI's instead of sitting outside the room I went for a walk around the park across the street. Be mindful of things that are just draining you so that you can make sure to double up on things that fill you. 

For me just getting outside in some form of nature works, even 10 minutes. After a long tantrum and no nap filled day I will absolutely walk around our block when Jeremy gets home. Knowing the specific things that tear down and build up our spouse makes us able to serve each other better and a much better team overall! 

Here is the video check it out :) 

When you hear nothing.

This season of our lives has been more than the word "challenging" can really sum up. 

As I write I hear the steady "hiccup, hiccup, hiccup" of my toddler. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of talking about it. We are in a discouraging spot where we had been so full of hope  in the diagnosis of her having this esophagus disease and that it would be the SOURCE of her hiccups. Months into the medicines and rigid diet we still see no change. While we pray it just needs more time there's no other word for how we feel--aggravated. 

Sometimes we get into these habits of feeling entitled. Like God owes us. For whatever reason.....maybe we've been "good", or spent our life serving Him, or have already had so many bad things happen we don't deserve one more thing. But he doesn't owe us. I've been noticing that pattern in my thinking. I want to say that I am handling this season, the most difficult I've ever faced, with grace, hope and patience.
But that is not always the case.
 I've had to take captive my thoughts and attitudes of anger about this situation. I get so upset that is happening to her. That I feel like every family around me has normal 3 year olds with normal struggles (another misconception that we only see when angry!) My husband said tonight that he was grateful for what this trial was doing in our lives and walk with God.
My first thought was "really?!" I would so much rather have a trial of my own in my own suffering or pain than have to watch my tiny child go through anything. But isn't that just it? It's hardest to trust him with the things I value most, to hand over the thing clutched hard in my hand, unwilling to give up for fear that he won't handle it with the care necessary.
My husband has been the constant, daily reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness throughout this whole thing. My mind often struggles with why God is allowing this to a person like me who already has a tendency to fret and worry -- but again that's just the point. He has so much to teach me and has already in this.

I'm not in control.

I never have been in control.

When things are going easy in life there is the illusion that we hold some ounce of control but we don't. He is the only one I can trust with this. He will save the day. We pray that he will use doctors and some revolutionary cure or cause for her case that no one has ever seen or heard of.....but it will be him.

So as we pray and wait and hear nothing, see nothing, we trust. As I lay for hours and plead for hiccups to stop at night I rest in peace that he will take care of her. Even when they don't stop. My faith and trust in God is not dependent on if he does what I want in my life. He's not my genie in a a bottle who "if he really loved me" would do what I am asking. Bad and painful things happen in life and we spout out things like "God why would you let this happen, why won't you stop it, etc etc". God isn't in a box that we understand and control, and we never ask why he chooses to allow blessings when things are happy and good -- but yikes are we angry when they get bad.

He has this whole crazy painful life worked out for his purpose. None of it makes any sense or seems to have any purpose right now but it does in him.
Soon we hopefully come out of this, and it can be something to look back to and remember that urgent dependency on Christ. And if life doesn't change we continue to wait. Expectantly waiting on him even when we hear nothing.

I hope in some way this encourages you. I know my blog is kind of a downer lately but life isn't exactly easy right now, but is it ever? I know hurting people are everywhere. They are easier to see when you are hurting too. What a unfathomable joy it is to take this burden that feels like pounds of bricks on my shoulders at times and offload them on him. I can't imagine my life without Christ and what he has done for us.

Today I woke up ready to tackle things. 

I love when I wake up like that cause it isn't as often these days. 

Honestly this last week has been very draining and discouraging. We just aren't seeing progress with our daughter's healing and these past few days were particularly bad. Her hiccups were relentless for days and her poor tummy was so tired. Is there anything worse than watching your kid suffer and being helpless to stop it. ARG!

But they went away praise God around midnight so this morning I wanted to finally refill our fridge (it was sadllllly empty haha, I caught my poor hubby trying to make a pb and j on a corn tortilla today!) Plus I thought it would be fun to Christmas shop at Walmart with the kiddos. I forgot Walmart and Fun hardly ever go together, right? Why is it! I always go in there all ready to conquer my list and almost always leave feeling frazzled. I think it's because I realize I forgot something but don't want to walk another mile across the store! 

But this morning I blasted the Christmas music with my kids and was ready! I even put my ugly tennis shoes on ---- not a window shopping trip !!!! 

Walmart went almost seamlessly, of course I forgot several things (why do I even make a list?!) but my kids were awesome rock stars! Since we were right next to Chick Fil A I figured we could grab lunch and I would let the kids run on the play structure. Of course functioning with Juliana's new food restrictions has really been challenging. I have to always have something with me she can have - which usually means I need to have made it from 10 different kinds of flours -- but I looked online ahead of time and saw that they have this cool allergy chart for Chick fil A and it said the grilled chicken was soy, wheat, etc free. So I definitely hyped it up and she was excited (obviously I learned not to do that again lol), because when I got there and saw ALL the ingredients for them soy was definitely in there. This really frustrated me but lets not go into that lol. She happily enjoyed her fries and fruit cup. 

William decided to have an explosive diaper in the play structure. Let me first say I NEVER.....NEVER go anywhere without complete sets of clothes for both my kids. They are always in the bag and usually more in my car because it's a mess. I do not know what happened but I had nothing at all. Obviously we cleaned up and rushed off the structure (don't forget the crying 3 year old cause we now have to leave right away) to change him. I will spare you non-parents the details. But just imagine flowing poop everywhere and on everything. YEP! This girl pulled up next to my car where I was cleaning him up and clothes and wipes are falling out of the car and she gave me a great pity look :/ 

Then comes the fun part where I realize there is nothing in that whole care for him to wear and we still have 2 places to go. We live 30 minutes from all these stores so there is no going home. So he ended up in a pair of his sisters mud covered polka dot tights that I found in the car pocket. And off we went to costco haha!

(my son's awesome attire)

Costco. is. a. zoo. Do not got there unless it's 10 am! I felt super on it as I checked ingredients on everything and then forgot to grab half of them (again....yep!) A few people also laughed at his tights but who cares LOL!

(you can sense the exasperation in this one:) 

We got to hold up the entire food line while they got the box for their "fruit" smoothie so I could see the ingredients.........just because I want to make 20 angry Christmas shoppers behind me hate me even more than they already do cause my kids are freaking out :)

(This is line to LEAVE Costco!)

Moral of the story, take clothes everywhere with you and maybe don't go to 4 places in one morning. 

But look at this full fridge! Beauty!!

Honestly even though crazy, I loved this day. It was normal. I have been learning to appreciate the normal parent struggles of having kids instead of the isolating ones we have been facing lately where we are always at some kind of test or doctors office. Today was great :) Kids are awesome :)  

Pain and Struggles. This is real life.

We all have moments in our life where our perspective changes. 

It can be small things like a conversation with a friend that changes your thinking about something, or bigger moments like grand trips, new love or times of crisis. 

For anyone following along with me lately you know we've been dealing with some challenging health issues with our 3 year old daughter. "challenging". Everyone says that............like when the doctor says you will feel "some discomfort". Come on already it's gonna hurt! 

Last week we spent 3 days in the hospital searching for answers and getting lots of testing done. While I was happy to be getting it all done and finally know, anyone's natural tendency when in the hospital is just to GET OUT lol. You just want to go home even if you know getting answers is better. 

I've had lots to think about since then. Not only for my own daughter's health but all the other families we met. Since Jules' wasn't a "sick" contagious child we were on the wing of the hospital with the other children getting MRI's or who have cancer. 

I can't stop thinking about them. We got my daughter's biopsy results today and it shows that she has an immune disease called eosinophilic esophagitis, basically her esophagus is having an allergic reaction to foods and such---as I understand it. It was incredibly inflamed and could be the cause of her terrible hiccups and a slue of other problems. BUT it is fixable. She will be fine. Is it what I want for my child? Of course not. But she will be fine. 

So there I am for 3 days hanging out with the parents of kids fighting cancer, watching their life.................and wondering if my child ends up having a brain tumor what my life may look like. Then I get that call today and while I take probably my first deep breath in a long time, I instantly think of all the other parents who didn't get results like that. Sure we can move forward and over time forget that terrible place of sick and dying children, but that is a reality for so many families. 

(I walked into the play room and my mom was telling the kids stories, love my mom)

Jeremy and I were talking on the way home from the hospital about how we all have levels in our life of what is the "most stressful thing in our life (currently)". For us this definitely was the top. MRI's, sedation's, lots of talk of tumors and worse of all unknowns. But for others........MRI's are a part of their monthly check, or they have IV's with CHEMO stamped on it like little Ben who I met and grew so fond of in 3 days. For them, what we are going through is so much lower.

 But then there we were, comparing our problems to our neighbor we had in our room who needed a knee MRI. We found ourselves thinking "I wish we were just here for a knee MRI". But that's just it, for them that was the highest stress they've encountered. They were scared, they were stressed and even if we KNEW (in our minds) our stress was greater it doesn't change the reality in front of them.

We both vowed to try try try and remember this when interacting with our friends, family and anyone we see. 

We always think what we are going through is the most important thing because it is the most stressful thing to us. But that doesn't mean we can belittle other people's struggles just because we know ours are greater. But it does mean we can remember there are others around us who may be battling bigger things. These people are everywhere. 

(Hospital view sunrise, lots of prayer done here.)

You may be running through dollar tree on your way to hang out with friends or in a hurry to get your kids home for lunch and nap but each person you interact with is struggling with something very real and very big to them. On Thursday I walked to a nearby deli while Juliana was having her MRI. There was nothing I could do for those 3 hours. The nurses encouraged me to go for a walk and get some food. Oh sure, ok, I'll walk the park while my toddler is sedated and completely out of my care.

While I felt like standing outside the door and crying (maybe I did that too for a bit :) I knew it was a good idea. So I walked to this beautiful market. I was in my own world. Almost like when ou feel like you're in a dream ya know? Everywhere I saw people laughing and enjoying meals together or deep in conversation. How could life be going on like normal all around me while my baby was inside a machine looking for tumors in her chest? The girl at the counter asked what brought me in that day and I mentioned that sadly I was coming from the hospital. Before I left she brought over two caramel cookies and put them on my table saying "for you" with a smile :) That meant so much to me in that moment. 

So I want to try to do more of that. Not be so in my own bubble of kids, shopping, cleaning and LIFE that I can't see hurting people around me. The opportunities to share the Gospel are endless we just need to look up. We hate talking about pain and struggles but that is daily life people. You're not reminding someone of their struggle when you ask about it....you are showing them you see it and care about it. 

Thank you for your prayers for her! We need lots of prayer that her hiccups would not get that bad again because we really don't want to go back to the hospital :) As much as we miss our little friends :) 

A face of fear

Alright, time to be real. It's never fun to show your inner yucky struggles with people but this is where true growth and encouragement come from I think. 

Fear is something that has consistently overwhelmed my life.

As I kid I worried about pretty much anything and everything I could think of. 

As a teenager God began working in me hard......showing me the beginnings of what living a life with him could like. That this thing.........this thing called FEAR that till then had crippled me could be lifted off my shoulders through complete trust in him.

This continued into college as a continual and painful process of learning to let go. Sometimes every hour of every day. I longed to live my life with no fear and worry, it bothered me that this was still and issue in my life. 

Into married life I grew even more and God used my husband with his constant optimism and calm presence to really challenge me.

Then my first baby was born it was like I took 100 steps back. My fears had always been for me, my family, my friends. But this tiny new life catapulted that fear to a completely new level. I had never struggled with worry as much as those first months with her. I had never felt like a literal part of my heart was outside of me, unable to be kept safe despite all my efforts. Ohhhh man how God worked in me that first year. Finally being able to give the most precious thing I had ever known over to him was so hard, but also so freeing.

Sometimes fear seems just at bay, like a storm coming in that threatens to consume me. I love the words from that Hillsong song that sing "So I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves." Sometimes that's all I can do. Keep my eyes above waves of fear that want to overtake me.

Times when it threatens to take over I get a little glimpse of what my life would look like without him, I can't imagine living like that.

It is still a struggle. 

I won't lie I often am just so aggravated that this is even an issue for me, that I just leave it behind as a past struggle never to surface again. Since my life belongs to God I want to not have fear catch my foot so often. But I know that this is a reality until I am home with him. But what a joy to know that one day it won't be. 

This is written during a time when I would have normally been undone with worry about my child and her health.



So thankful that I can rest in him. That I can unload the huge burden that carrying this would have been onto his shoulders. 

I hope this encourages those of you who struggle with fear and worry daily. That you will allow him to take that off your shoulders and learn to rest in him. To hide under his wings.

Usually blogging is the outlet I use to write about life and things I am passionate about -- particular subjects that get my blood pumping so much I have to get them out lol! 

But then life has seasons (and you all know!) of maintenance.
 This is a step lower than survival mode. Survival mode is what is sounds like -- literally surviving. Making sure everyone is fed, rested (somewhat) and clean (maybe). 

Then maintenance mode is doing the days work but little to know time or inspiration for projects, writings, or any form of DIY project to ensue! 

So for us lately we have been in maintenance mode! Life has been BUSY! I mean, when is it not right? But it has been especially busier than we are used to. A massive change in jobs, ministry, day to day life and yesterday a big wedding that was the focus for much of the summer! :) Such a huge blessing to be my sister in law's MOH and almost made it the whole day without a tear! 

I have loved every day and all the fun things we have been doing but I miss my down time with my kiddos and the necessary outlet of projects that maintains my sanity. So hoping there is more of that in the near future. 

The challenge for me (and hopefully I can challenge you!) is that busyness is just the stuff we are doing. The things that fill our day, and no matter how great, important or unimportant they are -- can't replace relationships. 

Yes you may have a hundred errands to run and your kids may be freaking out in dollar

 tree, but take the extra minutes to love the people around you. That's our job! To show them who Christ is. And that IS in everyday life. 

We may hate that the people at the park are screaming profanities at their children but instead of running away because it pushes our kids outside their safe bubble for a few minutes, let them see you interact and care for that person. 

We can't be so consumed with our schedules and issues (even if great!) that we can't even see those around us. It's not about doing good deeds because we are not good people. It's about showing them the love of Christ which is eternal and unconditional. They--just like us--do not have to clean up before coming to him. 

Anyways that's all I have time for. A few baskets of adorable pink and blue laundry needs to be folded :) Thank you for those who have asked about Jules! PRAYING the MRI is this week so we can move on! Her hiccups got very bad this weekend and we decided to try the Benadryl the Dr. prescribed to try for when they got really bad again. Well.....she fell into a dead sleep which was kind of freaky but they stopped! So praying that will work until we can find the source because they exhaust her poor baby.

Thanks friends! 

Fun with Jeremy's family today! 

MRI madness :(

I've never been one to be mad or upset with our medical system. Nothing has ever really bothered me or gone wrong in direct correlation with our doctors or services. 

This week has been a WHOLLLLLLLLE new story.

 I know lots of you have been praying for our toddler, thank you! While it seems funny to say, she has had terrible hiccups for over a year that come and go but have been progressively getting worse to the point where she pretty much always has them now. She'll have them all day all night with no breaks for days. Then she will have a day off and then they start again. Last week one night she was having so many (like 8 hiccups at one time) to where she was gagging to try and exhale. Her Dr. felt like something was really weird and not right with these hiccups. So last week we visited her pediatrician and got xrays, blood work (oh joy) and other tests done. Her Dr. said words you never really want to hear as even a possibility for your child. She mentioned that intractable hiccups can be a symptom of something growing/touching the nerve that causes the diaphragm to contract......like a tumor. Fantastic. lol. It would be one thing if she dropped that word and then got her in for an MRI the next day, but it has now been 2 weeks since that. We have been working very hard at keeping our minds from running away, knowing that we don't know anything for certain yet.

Even though we feel really strongly that she doesn't have a brain tumor (maybe just hopeful?) we would still like to be able to breath again knowing there isn't one there causing these hiccups. 

It has been such a hassle unlike anything we have ever done to try and get this MRI scheduled. What we thought was a simple order from her Dr. was anything but. The radiologist didn't review it for days, the insurance company denied it, her Dr appealed it, they approved it but only in part, etc etc etc. 

We have called 5 times a day everyday trying to be annoying and persistent to get this through. It is the worst feeling ever to feel powerless over your child's health. Even worse, to feel like no one really cares. We are SO thankful her pediatrician is equally angry and very much our advocate in this. Unfortunately she is not a specialist so her voice doesn't mean much. 

So today they finally finally finally called us! BUT they told us two things. 

ONE = They had a spot for her tomorrow (great! I was thinking!) but it's at 4 pm.......and they need her to fast all day until that point. Ummmm I'm sorry, the fact that a pediatric imaging center is even requesting me to not feed my 3 year old all day till after the appointment which would be evening is crazy. I don't even know how I could do that! 

TWO = Only imaging her brain STEM was approved, so she will need to get another order and do this all again for the entire brain. This is where I really got angry. She's fasted, she's sedated, she's in the machine and they refuse to look 4 inches up and do this all at once!?!? This really made her Dr. mad too. 

We had a very hard afternoon today trying to decide what to do. If we said no to tomorrow's appointment offer we basically give up her urgent MRI status and the next option is 3 weeks from now (cause that makes perfect sense right? For a toddler who could have a brain tumor?)

But we both just felt like there was no way we want to do this twice especially having to not let her eat ALL day (did I mention tomorrow is her birthday too :( . So we chose to wait and take the later appointment. It's hard hoping that something ISN'T in there growing or getting worse because we chose to wait, but we really didn't know what else to do. 

Anyways, that's our current frustration. I am sure it uplifted your evening LOL. 

Please pray for her. Pray her hiccups don't come back as bad as they have been, please pray she doesn't have any new symptoms, and most of all pray that an MRI appointment will come available and that the scan will be CLEAR.

Thank you friends!