Parenting without the goal of obedience

Tried to think of a snazzy title and that's the best I could come up with hehe!

Rule followers like myself tend to gravitate toward other extreme rule followers. They make us comfortable and happy lol.



 I've found it interesting how this has influenced my parenting. See, I think rule followers like myself and even non rule followers have this problem in parenting.......we creating a system where obedience and politeness are the ultimate goal. While it's right and appropriate to praise good behavior (especially in the tiny years!) so that they can learn what is wrong and right, when we make obedience the end all I think we are missing a really big big point. And creating and even bigger problem.

It's easy to begin correlating obedience and rule following with the state of their heart overall (not just in that moment). Even to the extreme of saying they are a BAD girl or GOOD boy instead of addressing the behavior alone. The reason I think this is so important is that it's so so easy to make obedience the end all because it IS so important in parenting. In no way is this saying to not discipline or help your kids strive for obedience -- but it's the practice of keeping their heart always as the focus. One child may be so "good" because they follow rules and hardly ever disobey-- but that is not necessarily a reflection of where their heart is with God.

I know this because as a rule follower it's incredibly easy to follow rules and please people without ever having a submissive heart to God. What I am trying to learn and grow into is constantly modeling what it looks like to obey God in pleasure not obligation as my kids get older. I (The PARENT) am not the supreme authority. They have to see that I too am submissive to Christ because I also make mistakes.  It's changing that conversation from "you need to be good" to "you can't be good on your own, let's ask Jesus to help you obey and be kind".  It's God's grace that saves them not their obedience.





Something that I've heard myself do also that is dangerous is using "Jesus" as a scapegoat in a sense. "God" wants you to obey and be good, it hurts "HIM" when you do this. That's almost like saying "we're ok, but you really made Jesus mad." I really think this also is so negative because it grinds into our children from the get go that God is up there with a rule list wanting them to be perfect or they're out! He's just waiting for them to fail! Instead of the opposite that we see in scripture of him welcoming home the prodigal son with open arms.

GRACE. GRACE. GRACE. 
Parenting this way is a daily challenge. Because I gravitate towards just wanting them to follow my rules! Can't they just be GOOD?! But again no they can't. Just because as an adult I've learned how to act appropriately in society and be polite doesn't mean my heart is good with God. It also is crucial to remind myself my kids are children, and little ones right now! My mom always says "Isn't it amazing when kids act like kids?". Meaning, why are you surprised when kids do things that a KID WOULD DO! We are here to teach them, we are here to discipline and correct -- and to do those things with the grace God has shown us. Constantly pointing them back to him. Taking the time to figure out what's going on in their heart. Right now my kids are 1 and 3 so it's a lot of just managing and teaching. But I still think even at these stages it's crucial to begin the conversations at least daily about how we turn to Jesus for help in doing what is right and good.

20 minute daily speed clean

Time for a fun post that doesn't involve any talk of MRI's or the word hiccup! 

My house is by NO means a "clean house", I am very aware of it's constant state of "messiness". However! I sometimes feel like I am just randomly cleaning up all day long. No real intention or goal and at the end of the day it still is a disaster. I hate doing that, I would so much rather just spend 1 hour cleaning in the morning and then enjoy my day! But that's not a reality, mornings are busy around here. 

This is no new idea but here is my 20 minute speed cleaning method. 

The key to why this is so effective is really one main thing -- 

1. You just START. 

Instead of spending time walking around looking at the mess, "making a list", or figuring out where to begin -- all of which could have already taken 20 minutes-- just start. 

By diving in you don't waste any time sorting or lets be honest, pouting about what the disaster that no magic fairy seems to be coming to the rescue to do for you. 

Bummer I know. 

2. Clean/organize/sort ONLY.

This 20 minute period is for cleaning only! No phone (ahem, scrolling), dilly dallying or distractions! It's harder to do this 20 minute speed clean with kids around because you can't just say "sorry no distractions!" when a little one is yelling "wipe meeeeeeeee please". Oh the joys. This is best done first thing while daddy is still around or if he leaves before little ones are up it's a good end of the day thing before crashing on the couch for the rest of the evening :) 

3. Work fast. 

This one's important. You know you only have 20 minutes so you just bust it out. Set a timer if it helps you or challenge yourself to how much you can get done--I know it sounds dumb and you might feel stupid, but A. you probably already feel silly at some point in your day between playing make believe or pulling a wagon of kids down the street and B. We all respond well to some sort of challenge. At work or school there is an expectation to meet and I think that does help. So whether it's tackling one room or just the counters push yourself lol! 

4. Keep organizing for later. 

This one is obviously up to you, but I've found that organizing sucks me in. It's a whole other aspect of cleaning altogether! Use your 20 minute speed clean for trying to find the floor again. Or the sink lol. 

5. Be smart. 

This goes along with #4. Don't spend the first 15 minutes of your speed cleaning filing the mail. Go for big things that will make you feel a lot more sane like vacuuming up the dumped out cereal or starting a load of laundry. Also don't spend time putting away things like all the blocks which in 10 seconds your child will just dump out again! Save that for an end of the day job. Scrub the toilets, dust or do something they can't immediately undo. Immediately being the key word. 

6. Become friends with the trashcan. 

I know that I toss things out almost to a fault, my husband likes to keep things a lot more than I do, BUT I feel like so much of the stuff around our house that makes it feel messy is actually trash. That random toy they got in a Valentine's day card, the in n out hat from yesterday, and OHHHHHHH the papers! The papers from church, preschool, speech therapy it seems to multiply everywhere! Save the special ones and toss the rest out or put in a drawer for scratch paper. 

7. Keep going if time allows.

 Ok this is where the 20 minute speed cleaning evolves into the hour speed clean. If I know I have an hour before someone comes over -- even with kids awake this works -- I clean in a particular order and it works super well every time! I start in one room and designate 10 or so minutes to each room. The key is that room is the focus, getting that room cleaned up. For some rooms this is a greater challenge and 10 minutes may not make a dent in one laundry basket let alone the whole room. But for the most part this works. What I do is I run around like a crazy person to get that one room cleaned up lol. If I find something that goes in a different room I just throw it in that room I do NOT PUT IT AWAY completely. That wastes time and distracts you because while unloading the dishwasher you see a hair tie on the ground and take it to the bathroom where you find toothpaste all over the counter and towels on the ground and suddenly you've switched rooms. I know this method sounds a little crazy and I don't know why but it works at least for me! So if while cleaning up the kids room you find a couple toys go dump them in the play room and run back to the kids room. Once you that room is "clean" move onto the next one! You should see how quickly our house gets cleaned up when my husband and I do this. Maybe next time you have plans to come over just show up and hour early you can see it in full effect lol! 

My last point--which ties into my philosophy of why you should make your bed everyday, anyways another post for another day--this really does kick start or end your day well. Have you ever noticed how getting started is actually the hardest part? Once going I feel like I could clean and organize for hours. And maybe you're not that way, you may hate every second, but once you get into it you realize how refreshed you feel and ready to tackle other things. I also really do believe you're most successful during your day with a clean(ISH) house! Knowing you're not coming home to a BOMB makes it easier to do more. Lastly, you are less likely to spend money elsewhere when you're house is clean -- really! I can spend all day at home when it's clean and organized but when things are a mess and sticky (a word that seems to encompass our house sometimes lol) I feel more like getting out or are discontent with what I do have!! 

There's your 20 minute daily speed cleaning tip from me! Happy cleaning!

Filling an empty tank

Last week at the GF office we watched a really short video that focused in on identifying what "drains" and what "fills" you as an individual. It was really good, and last night the hubs and I went on a date and really got to dive into those things. {Side note, we had no money left in our January eating out budget so we packed sandwiches and walked around the pond at a park -- it was great!} 

Anyways, it was great to brainstorm those things for ourselves and also to know them about each other. If you know what drains your spouse than you can either A. NOT do those things lol or B.Understand they need some inflow since they just had a big out pour.

  

We are still working on our lists, it's hard to think of the specific things that just suck you dry but I challenge you to do it! With these past months being some of the most draining and exhausting of our lives we have learned firsthand how bad we handle stress at times in the sense that we just go into extreme survival mode. And I think there are times in life where that's just the reality. 

 If in the midst of  hospital visits, medications and appointments Jeremy had said "I need to fill my tank I'll be out fishing all day" it probably wouldn't have been the BEST form of refilling in that specific time. But to an extent we do need to do this. When Juliana was getting one of her many MRI's instead of sitting outside the room I went for a walk around the park across the street. Be mindful of things that are just draining you so that you can make sure to double up on things that fill you. 

For me just getting outside in some form of nature works, even 10 minutes. After a long tantrum and no nap filled day I will absolutely walk around our block when Jeremy gets home. Knowing the specific things that tear down and build up our spouse makes us able to serve each other better and a much better team overall! 

Here is the video check it out :) 

When you hear nothing.

This season of our lives has been more than the word "challenging" can really sum up. 

As I write I hear the steady "hiccup, hiccup, hiccup" of my toddler. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of talking about it. We are in a discouraging spot where we had been so full of hope  in the diagnosis of her having this esophagus disease and that it would be the SOURCE of her hiccups. Months into the medicines and rigid diet we still see no change. While we pray it just needs more time there's no other word for how we feel--aggravated. 

Sometimes we get into these habits of feeling entitled. Like God owes us. For whatever reason.....maybe we've been "good", or spent our life serving Him, or have already had so many bad things happen we don't deserve one more thing. But he doesn't owe us. I've been noticing that pattern in my thinking. I want to say that I am handling this season, the most difficult I've ever faced, with grace, hope and patience.
But that is not always the case.
 I've had to take captive my thoughts and attitudes of anger about this situation. I get so upset that is happening to her. That I feel like every family around me has normal 3 year olds with normal struggles (another misconception that we only see when angry!) My husband said tonight that he was grateful for what this trial was doing in our lives and walk with God.
My first thought was "really?!" I would so much rather have a trial of my own in my own suffering or pain than have to watch my tiny child go through anything. But isn't that just it? It's hardest to trust him with the things I value most, to hand over the thing clutched hard in my hand, unwilling to give up for fear that he won't handle it with the care necessary.
My husband has been the constant, daily reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness throughout this whole thing. My mind often struggles with why God is allowing this to a person like me who already has a tendency to fret and worry -- but again that's just the point. He has so much to teach me and has already in this.

I'm not in control.

I never have been in control.

When things are going easy in life there is the illusion that we hold some ounce of control but we don't. He is the only one I can trust with this. He will save the day. We pray that he will use doctors and some revolutionary cure or cause for her case that no one has ever seen or heard of.....but it will be him.

So as we pray and wait and hear nothing, see nothing, we trust. As I lay for hours and plead for hiccups to stop at night I rest in peace that he will take care of her. Even when they don't stop. My faith and trust in God is not dependent on if he does what I want in my life. He's not my genie in a a bottle who "if he really loved me" would do what I am asking. Bad and painful things happen in life and we spout out things like "God why would you let this happen, why won't you stop it, etc etc". God isn't in a box that we understand and control, and we never ask why he chooses to allow blessings when things are happy and good -- but yikes are we angry when they get bad.

He has this whole crazy painful life worked out for his purpose. None of it makes any sense or seems to have any purpose right now but it does in him.
Soon we hopefully come out of this, and it can be something to look back to and remember that urgent dependency on Christ. And if life doesn't change we continue to wait. Expectantly waiting on him even when we hear nothing.

I hope in some way this encourages you. I know my blog is kind of a downer lately but life isn't exactly easy right now, but is it ever? I know hurting people are everywhere. They are easier to see when you are hurting too. What a unfathomable joy it is to take this burden that feels like pounds of bricks on my shoulders at times and offload them on him. I can't imagine my life without Christ and what he has done for us.

Today I woke up ready to tackle things. 

I love when I wake up like that cause it isn't as often these days. 

Honestly this last week has been very draining and discouraging. We just aren't seeing progress with our daughter's healing and these past few days were particularly bad. Her hiccups were relentless for days and her poor tummy was so tired. Is there anything worse than watching your kid suffer and being helpless to stop it. ARG!

But they went away praise God around midnight so this morning I wanted to finally refill our fridge (it was sadllllly empty haha, I caught my poor hubby trying to make a pb and j on a corn tortilla today!) Plus I thought it would be fun to Christmas shop at Walmart with the kiddos. I forgot Walmart and Fun hardly ever go together, right? Why is it! I always go in there all ready to conquer my list and almost always leave feeling frazzled. I think it's because I realize I forgot something but don't want to walk another mile across the store! 

But this morning I blasted the Christmas music with my kids and was ready! I even put my ugly tennis shoes on ---- not a window shopping trip !!!! 

Walmart went almost seamlessly, of course I forgot several things (why do I even make a list?!) but my kids were awesome rock stars! Since we were right next to Chick Fil A I figured we could grab lunch and I would let the kids run on the play structure. Of course functioning with Juliana's new food restrictions has really been challenging. I have to always have something with me she can have - which usually means I need to have made it from 10 different kinds of flours -- but I looked online ahead of time and saw that they have this cool allergy chart for Chick fil A and it said the grilled chicken was soy, wheat, etc free. So I definitely hyped it up and she was excited (obviously I learned not to do that again lol), because when I got there and saw ALL the ingredients for them soy was definitely in there. This really frustrated me but lets not go into that lol. She happily enjoyed her fries and fruit cup. 

William decided to have an explosive diaper in the play structure. Let me first say I NEVER.....NEVER go anywhere without complete sets of clothes for both my kids. They are always in the bag and usually more in my car because it's a mess. I do not know what happened but I had nothing at all. Obviously we cleaned up and rushed off the structure (don't forget the crying 3 year old cause we now have to leave right away) to change him. I will spare you non-parents the details. But just imagine flowing poop everywhere and on everything. YEP! This girl pulled up next to my car where I was cleaning him up and clothes and wipes are falling out of the car and she gave me a great pity look :/ 

Then comes the fun part where I realize there is nothing in that whole care for him to wear and we still have 2 places to go. We live 30 minutes from all these stores so there is no going home. So he ended up in a pair of his sisters mud covered polka dot tights that I found in the car pocket. And off we went to costco haha!

(my son's awesome attire)

Costco. is. a. zoo. Do not got there unless it's 10 am! I felt super on it as I checked ingredients on everything and then forgot to grab half of them (again....yep!) A few people also laughed at his tights but who cares LOL!

(you can sense the exasperation in this one:) 

We got to hold up the entire food line while they got the box for their "fruit" smoothie so I could see the ingredients.........just because I want to make 20 angry Christmas shoppers behind me hate me even more than they already do cause my kids are freaking out :)

(This is line to LEAVE Costco!)

Moral of the story, take clothes everywhere with you and maybe don't go to 4 places in one morning. 

But look at this full fridge! Beauty!!

Honestly even though crazy, I loved this day. It was normal. I have been learning to appreciate the normal parent struggles of having kids instead of the isolating ones we have been facing lately where we are always at some kind of test or doctors office. Today was great :) Kids are awesome :)  

Pain and Struggles. This is real life.

We all have moments in our life where our perspective changes. 

It can be small things like a conversation with a friend that changes your thinking about something, or bigger moments like grand trips, new love or times of crisis. 

For anyone following along with me lately you know we've been dealing with some challenging health issues with our 3 year old daughter. "challenging". Everyone says that............like when the doctor says you will feel "some discomfort". Come on already it's gonna hurt! 

Last week we spent 3 days in the hospital searching for answers and getting lots of testing done. While I was happy to be getting it all done and finally know, anyone's natural tendency when in the hospital is just to GET OUT lol. You just want to go home even if you know getting answers is better. 

I've had lots to think about since then. Not only for my own daughter's health but all the other families we met. Since Jules' wasn't a "sick" contagious child we were on the wing of the hospital with the other children getting MRI's or who have cancer. 

I can't stop thinking about them. We got my daughter's biopsy results today and it shows that she has an immune disease called eosinophilic esophagitis, basically her esophagus is having an allergic reaction to foods and such---as I understand it. It was incredibly inflamed and could be the cause of her terrible hiccups and a slue of other problems. BUT it is fixable. She will be fine. Is it what I want for my child? Of course not. But she will be fine. 

So there I am for 3 days hanging out with the parents of kids fighting cancer, watching their life.................and wondering if my child ends up having a brain tumor what my life may look like. Then I get that call today and while I take probably my first deep breath in a long time, I instantly think of all the other parents who didn't get results like that. Sure we can move forward and over time forget that terrible place of sick and dying children, but that is a reality for so many families. 

(I walked into the play room and my mom was telling the kids stories, love my mom)

Jeremy and I were talking on the way home from the hospital about how we all have levels in our life of what is the "most stressful thing in our life (currently)". For us this definitely was the top. MRI's, sedation's, lots of talk of tumors and worse of all unknowns. But for others........MRI's are a part of their monthly check, or they have IV's with CHEMO stamped on it like little Ben who I met and grew so fond of in 3 days. For them, what we are going through is so much lower.

 But then there we were, comparing our problems to our neighbor we had in our room who needed a knee MRI. We found ourselves thinking "I wish we were just here for a knee MRI". But that's just it, for them that was the highest stress they've encountered. They were scared, they were stressed and even if we KNEW (in our minds) our stress was greater it doesn't change the reality in front of them.

We both vowed to try try try and remember this when interacting with our friends, family and anyone we see. 

We always think what we are going through is the most important thing because it is the most stressful thing to us. But that doesn't mean we can belittle other people's struggles just because we know ours are greater. But it does mean we can remember there are others around us who may be battling bigger things. These people are everywhere. 

(Hospital view sunrise, lots of prayer done here.)

You may be running through dollar tree on your way to hang out with friends or in a hurry to get your kids home for lunch and nap but each person you interact with is struggling with something very real and very big to them. On Thursday I walked to a nearby deli while Juliana was having her MRI. There was nothing I could do for those 3 hours. The nurses encouraged me to go for a walk and get some food. Oh sure, ok, I'll walk the park while my toddler is sedated and completely out of my care.

While I felt like standing outside the door and crying (maybe I did that too for a bit :) I knew it was a good idea. So I walked to this beautiful market. I was in my own world. Almost like when ou feel like you're in a dream ya know? Everywhere I saw people laughing and enjoying meals together or deep in conversation. How could life be going on like normal all around me while my baby was inside a machine looking for tumors in her chest? The girl at the counter asked what brought me in that day and I mentioned that sadly I was coming from the hospital. Before I left she brought over two caramel cookies and put them on my table saying "for you" with a smile :) That meant so much to me in that moment. 

So I want to try to do more of that. Not be so in my own bubble of kids, shopping, cleaning and LIFE that I can't see hurting people around me. The opportunities to share the Gospel are endless we just need to look up. We hate talking about pain and struggles but that is daily life people. You're not reminding someone of their struggle when you ask about it....you are showing them you see it and care about it. 

Thank you for your prayers for her! We need lots of prayer that her hiccups would not get that bad again because we really don't want to go back to the hospital :) As much as we miss our little friends :) 

A face of fear

Alright, time to be real. It's never fun to show your inner yucky struggles with people but this is where true growth and encouragement come from I think. 

Fear is something that has consistently overwhelmed my life.

As I kid I worried about pretty much anything and everything I could think of. 

As a teenager God began working in me hard......showing me the beginnings of what living a life with him could like. That this thing.........this thing called FEAR that till then had crippled me could be lifted off my shoulders through complete trust in him.

This continued into college as a continual and painful process of learning to let go. Sometimes every hour of every day. I longed to live my life with no fear and worry, it bothered me that this was still and issue in my life. 

Into married life I grew even more and God used my husband with his constant optimism and calm presence to really challenge me.

Then my first baby was born it was like I took 100 steps back. My fears had always been for me, my family, my friends. But this tiny new life catapulted that fear to a completely new level. I had never struggled with worry as much as those first months with her. I had never felt like a literal part of my heart was outside of me, unable to be kept safe despite all my efforts. Ohhhh man how God worked in me that first year. Finally being able to give the most precious thing I had ever known over to him was so hard, but also so freeing.

Sometimes fear seems just at bay, like a storm coming in that threatens to consume me. I love the words from that Hillsong song that sing "So I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves." Sometimes that's all I can do. Keep my eyes above waves of fear that want to overtake me.

Times when it threatens to take over I get a little glimpse of what my life would look like without him, I can't imagine living like that.

It is still a struggle. 

I won't lie I often am just so aggravated that this is even an issue for me, that I just leave it behind as a past struggle never to surface again. Since my life belongs to God I want to not have fear catch my foot so often. But I know that this is a reality until I am home with him. But what a joy to know that one day it won't be. 

This is written during a time when I would have normally been undone with worry about my child and her health.



So thankful that I can rest in him. That I can unload the huge burden that carrying this would have been onto his shoulders. 

I hope this encourages those of you who struggle with fear and worry daily. That you will allow him to take that off your shoulders and learn to rest in him. To hide under his wings.