8 YEARS Married!

Today is my husband and my 8 year wedding anniversary! 

Sometimes I feel like what on earth where did time go? 

But then I see it back almost like a movie - our wedding, first year of apartments and school work **hehe such babies**, living in India, having our first baby, buying a house, another baby, traveling, a third baby. 

All the bedtime stories and memories of our little family come crashing in and then I see where the time has gone. I love that I thought the wedding day was the BEST when really it was the start - I didn't think I would ever be happier or love my husband more than that day. I had no idea it got so much better, and better and better. 

Our anniversary came at a sweet time this year as a good friend of mine is getting married on Saturday. Last night a bunch of us stayed up wayyyy too late chatting and sharing stories but then as we began to give more solid and honest advice to this wife to be --it was so encouraging for ME to sit and listen and share. All our highs and lows over the years and what helped us works through them and to take the time for a second to reflect on the last 8 years. We are so so so busy in life.  Running running and always in a hurry. I haven't stopped and thought about early marriage nerves and advice in such a long time. It took me back to this day 8 years ago. That's when our life was joined into one and we became our family. I never imaged many of the places we have been in over the years. Some painful, but many wonderful. I could never, ever have hoped that God would bring someone like him to me. He dreamed with me in those early years in all the excitement of what God had for us in life, he was anxious with me while we waited for our first baby and becoming parents, and was exasperated along with me in the many sleepless nights that followed. He has held me together and lifted me up when I have crumbled in pain and grief and has loved me like Christ loves his church. I could not love him more.......but then again I thought that 8 years ago :) 

Happy Anniversary Babe!

For the past two weeks my husband and I have been trying to eat {really} well.

It's been a challenge lol. 

We're talking bone broths, salads, soups, salad, more salad, salad.....My kids told someone the other day that salad is their mommy's favorite food. NO IT'S NOT.

I'm about 11 weeks postpartum and didn't realize how much during this last pregnancy I just ate whatever-whenever :) I have a sensitive gut so I'm working backwards now to undo habits I formed those 9 10 months. I can't eat dairy usually, yet for some reason each time I am pregnant I'm able to tolerate it. So it's months of bliss eating ice cream, pizza {everything terrible for you} then a sudden jolt back to reality after each baby has been born. 

BUT this time around it was Jeremy's idea to eat well! Say whatttttt! The Wendy's eating guy I fell for 10 years ago is now a kale smoothie drinking man it's crazy haha! He said he really wanted to cut out things like processed foods, sugars, grains, etc. I was all for it! But yikes it's been harder than I remember. Before you freak out don't worry, I'm getting plenty of calories while breastfeeding :) I am making sure to eat LOTS -- just eating better things. Trading out process snacks or sugary treats for produce or protein. We both feel awesome except for our constant complaining to each other LOL. Which I have to agree is the worst. There's nothing more annoying than being around someone who's on some kinds of "diet" and listening to them complain the whole time. You wanna say "You're the one who decided to do this!" So we have been trying harddddd not to do that except when we are together then the flood gates of complaints open. 

We both love sugar and desserts so this is the largest area of weakness. If you have some healthy replacements send them my way! Then there's just cruel things like when I woke up yesterday I told Jeremy "you know what I want SO badly -- a pumpkin muffin with chocolate chips" Then he sent me this picture at his morning coffee meeting. RUDE. 

You also know you've hit a low when you dream about food. I literally had a dream last night that I was slicing a hot loaf of banana bread (my personal favorite) and eating the center piece (also my favorite) when I woke up. In spite of all the complaining it's felt so so good to kind of reset my system and get off the sugar gorging ride. Just in case you think I'm exaggerating the day he said he wanted to start this I had just bought a gallon size bag of sour gummy worms from the bins. Not for a party, for myself. 

I'm also unfortunately the kind of person where it's all or nothing. I can't seem to just have one spoonful of ice cream and call it good-I have that one bite I want the whole thing - then chips and salsa - then more sugar - then more salty. This is a bad cycle at 10 pm! 

Here are some of our favorite meals this week!

Bone broth egg drop soup with baby bok choy 

I follow this recipe

Salad bar with grilled veggies

I slice squash, onions and bell peppers if I have them and place in a gallon size zip lock bag with

1/4 cup Balsamic Vinegar

1/4 cup Soy Sauce

1/4 Cup olive oil

1/8 cup water. 

SERIOUSLY so good. Try it.

Bacon Avo burgers - squash cooked in marinade from above

so. much. lettuce.I snapped this pic because this particular lettuce is from farmers market and so pretty!

Protein power lunches! I prep a lot of this at once -- like cutting up veggies so I can just grab them

MMmmmmm pad Thai! I follow this recipe basically, with a few changes. It's the one from the back of the pad Thai sauce.........fancy I know.

Send your healthy recipes my way people! Need to change it up this week. And maybe I will have more determination not to reach into the freezer and have handfuls of frozen dark chocolate chips this week haha............or maybe not :)  

Back to my blog!!

How to even begin this post? 

How do I start blogging again after almost a year?

For my husband this is simple - he handed me the computer and said "go outside alone and blog"....while this is most likely from pure sweetness (it's true, he's the best) it's also possible that he was tired of me talking about how I never blog, how much I loved blogging, or maybe it's because he's worried I'm losing my sanity with 3 kids all day long (a viable thought)  No matter what the reason I'm glad to be here. 

I love blogging because whether 1 or 100 people read it really doesn't matter. You are able to put words to everything going on inside or in your life and one of my favorite reasons for blogging is that is serves as an online journal of my family that I love looking back on. I've never been good with photo albums or baby books - my poor kids - there was even a scrapbook completely done given to me by my mother in law where all I needed to do was insert pictures.....ask me if that's done. So I love that I can look back through my blog and re-live memories I had forgotten. The editor in me can see that many posts were badly written or in desperate need of spell check, but now it's like, "Eh, who cares, I'm glad I wrote it anyways". 

So I am back to blogging. For me, it's a time when I finally SIT, breathe, stop from the hundreds of miles and hour I've been running all day, and allow things to seep in. Honestly I know that is what has often kept me from blogging this past year. We've been on a tough road with our daughter's health. And every time I would open up the blank page to write - it was like I didn't want to dive deep once again into thinking about it and writing about it. I would see a post from a year or two years ago where I was writing about the same issue and instead of feeling refreshed by blogging I would feel discouraged that I am still praying for the same stinkin thing I am today. But more on that later. 

So update on our life = We will celebrate our 8 YEAR wedding anniversary this month. GEEZ time 

is flying. We have 3 kiddos, an old house, a cat, a growing garden (woot woot!), amazing church body, friends who we consider family, full time incredible "job" and family that lives all around us. Life really is good-----God REALLY is good. 

Jules is still hiccuping. All. The. Time. We have had more appointments than I could ever count but the final ones at UCSF last week have explained that she does in fact have EOE - an autoimmune esophagus disease. Unfortunately after lots and lots of tests and studies they strongly believe there is NO correlation between this disease and her hiccups. Say what??!? I've pushed back on this a lot - it seems impossible to me that hiccups and an esophagus disease have no cause or effect on each other. But after this appointment I really see their point, and unless we see a strong reason why the two are interlinked, it just doesn't make sense. The doctor said to me "Sorry, we found another issue when we were looking to fix another problem." Yikes lol. We are trying another new medicine, diet changes and a page long (I wish I was kidding) list of more blood work to do. So that's the plan with the her medical issues. She's still severely behind in speech, so we are having a private therapist come for the summer to work with her. I hope it helps! It breaks my heart that she uses mostly hand motions to communicate with friends and family or she will come get me and ask me to tell them something. I would love to see her talk and be able to express herself! 

William is like a breath of fresh air in terms of medical, behavioral and social things. He's just a "normal" little guy and while it may sound terrible to say, he is such a joy in our household because it's a reminder that sickness and medical issues aren't always the case. Things can and do go right a lot of the time :) And right now for whatever reason he's been such a good boy with behavior. We'll take it while we can because I'm sure that'll change real soon!

LUKE !! Yes we had baby #3!!! (Another reason blogging has suffered). It was SO much fun not finding out the gender this time around and made the delivery so much more fun. Several nurses hung around because they had been waiting to see what we would have. He has been a joy and blessing to our family. Number 3 has been an amazing addition. It's so cool to watch our kids interact with their new sibling and we have treasured the newborn stage so much more than the other times because we know how quickly it passes. I want to freeze time! That being said he's also been our fussiest baby by far. Come on, I thought for sure baby number 3 was supposed to be the easy going one!! Sadly he has some refllux issues and....get this....hiccups constantly. Don't freak out yet....I haven't. :) But he does also have what looks like a lip tie we possibly having to fix so maybe that will make him a happier baby.

Global Fellowship has been booming with life and growth. We truly love what we get to do and it's just the best feeling after so many years of waiting on God to show us what he wanted us to do with our lives to wake up everyday feeling right in the niche of what we are supposed to be doing. Our ministry there is to recruit, train and send missionaries - specifically those with a passion for youth ministry. We act as the mobilization team haha - just the two of us until we find more staff. Our days look different every day. Jeremy is in and out of the office doing meetings, skypes and trainings. I join in several days of the week at the office and at home. It's just awesome to see God use us even though we are undeserving and through difficult times in our lives. 

Now that all that updating is out of the way I'm excited to jump back into blogging. Even if it's just you reading mom :) :) I love reading back and watching God truly grow me as I work out how to express what is going on in our life. He has often brought things to my attention because I'm attempting to write it down that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. Until next time!

Taking Kids to Europe :)

I had such high hopes of "blogging my way through Europe"............uhhhhhhhhhhh I think deep down I knew that wouldn't happen but since this is our first time really traveling overseas with our kids I wanted to document it mainly for myself to look back on and enjoy! 

It's been a whirlwind 4 weeks yikes. I now have lots of survival tips for traveling all over several countries with kids! The rental car has been a HUGE blessing. Amidst all the constant change and chaos the car has always been the same for the kids and I really think given them a sense of some stability (I hope). The 53 hours of  driving so far has been a challenge though :) Our kids aren't those "love their car seats types" so we knew we would give more treats and more technology than we ever want to......and we were right! I brought a "FUN BAG" full of new books and toys and have slowly given them stuff along the way trying to keep things new and exciting.

With the type of trip we were needing to do (traveling to see lots of different missionaries and scouting new locations) we have barely stayed in one place for more than a few days. This for SURE has been the hardest. We are learning so much :) You know when you take your kids for an overnight trip somewhere and it's SO MUCH work even for one night. The packing up, unpacking then packing up again then unpacking at home. That's how it has felt these past 3 weeks especially! But we have gotten into such a good system haha. Like a well oiled machine we can be in or out of an apartment very quickly haha!

Starting at the beginning, I can't BELIEVE how well our kids did on the flight! I can only pray the way home will be as good after all this traveling!!! They both watched movies, ate dinner and "went to bed" for at least 5 hours of the total 10! Don't judge me I did give them melatonin. 

Although I wasn't prepared for the fact that there would be no blankets or pillows provided! Have you EVER been on an international flight like that? I haven't! We paid 10 bucks for 2 blankets which worked. When we arrived in Olso, Norway we had a 9 hour layover so even though the kids bodies thought it was 2 am we tried to make it "daytime"! 

Then of course another hopper flight and couple hour drive and we were finally to ceske budejovice in the Czech Republic. Had such an amazing time with our missionaries there! How beautiful are all those rooftops!  

From there we traveled to Austria to visit our good friend! She had such a charming town!

She's helping us map our way from there to Germany!

(Our first pastry stop in Germany. Why yes that is croissant stuffed in my cheek :) 

Our trek through Germany was a beautiful way to get to Paris where we had a meeting. We even got stopped to have our car searched and saw immigrants sitting all around the rest stops. Super cool to witness history happening. 

What a wonderful thing to have a meeting in Paris! Although this wonderful city is COMPLETELY different going with kids haha! I repeat, do NOT go with kids just wait and go alone with your spouse someday lol. It really is such a beautiful place but it's also a big city and hard to get to places with a stroller, jackets, backpack, etc every time you go out. Thankfully our kids adore the metro. I personally hate it -- yes please shove me into a hot stuffed underground dark moving train where you can't see out. 

When this door opens and we are standing there with all our stuff it's like REALLY! Where are we supposed to go in there! MMMMmmmmm all the smells. 

Juliana's happy place :) The metro! 

Something we continually are learning especially with so many meetings and so much driving is to take every advantage of "fun" things we could find for them to do! I kid you not these children have had ice cream every day. 

And when in doubt just feed them more crepes. 

Juliana's diet has been nearly impossible here :( I can't read or understand any ingredients and she can only have chicken and french fries for so many meals. UGH. And we are terrible people and continue to go into patisseries even though she can't have anything. We can't help it, they are so good. 

 

I have no shame in telling you we usually get at least 4. It's unlike any kind of pastry you'll have in the U.S. Their flour is entirely different. ahhhhhhh! 

I try to make myself feel better by the fact that we are walking so many miles a day. That counts right? This is how William's naptime often looks since we have to be a meeting or visit someone in the afternoon! What a trooper! 

We are learning so much along the way. No matter how much you prepare or have traveled before, traveling with children is a whollllllllle new story. Add that to being incredibly tired, not understanding the language, getting lost a lot hehe, not finding food, it can get ugly. Last night we walked for over an hour trying to find a restaurant that would serve us food since it was only 8 pm and that's too early for dinner. Our kids had ice cream again. yep. God has given us this opportunity to not only scout places for new missionaries and to encourage our existing ones but I think to work in our lives as well as always. Europe is beautiful and an experience but we are also so tired and it's hard to see your kids struggle with the constant change. They vary between doing so well and also big messes. Every day is different. William has had a hard time poor guy screams when we begin to pack for the next place (especially since we've only been in the current place a few days) so we are praying that God's grace will cover him and us and thank God he won't remember any of this. We have seen him provide for us in even the smallest ways. Finding playgrounds at the perfect times, supermarkets when we can't find dinner. and so much more. We are now in Spain! We have a wonderful time of a break for the next few days and then we complete our next 2 weeks with our missionaries here we are really excited :) 

Back Again

I love blogging for so many reasons. First and foremost it was always a real space for me -- an online journal if you will. I love looking back (especially when I was diligent in writing) and seeing the memories. Since I had 2 readers for quite a while it never mattered what I wrote it was just a way for me to get words out that were making my head go crazy. Then when people start reading you start thinking about what they either do or don't want to hear.

I can't tell you how many times just this month I've opened up my blog, dying to get it the madness in my mind or even excitingly write about a passionate subject.....but then I just stare at the blinking line. I worry that because of the "season" we are going through no one wants to hear more depressing words or watch me wrestle with ugly issues that I can't clearly articulate. 

But I know that's a lie, everyone is struggling and the last thing they need is a "perfect" dialog of someone's "perfect" life. Or even worse, the perfect dialog of someone when they are suffering--as if even that doesn't phase them. I know words have power to impact people. Hopefully my measly scattered posts help you in some way or maybe if you're in a season of pure joy and excitement stash it away for later when troubles come lol. 

Last night I opened my blog intending to get something down and ended up going back through years of posts. It was joyful and also hard. Reliving all the moments of this past year. The ups, the downs, the ugly fears and small victories. It was hard for me seeing one post a month for most of this year -- again not because I didn't want to write but because when I would sit down I know what is going to come out and I worry people don't want to hear it anymore. But hey you opened this to read.


(How I wrote this blog :) 

When you are going through what you think is a "season" or a "trial" it's easy to just gear up and get through it. During a period of time like that we often respond to people in short manners, stressed or angry behavior........and then once that "trial" or stressful event is over we reflect and realize, "well I didn't handle that very well" and that's usually when (I) go apologize to my husband and whoever but usually justify it saying "sorry I was just really stressed with this or that".

But what do you do when a season looks like it's no longer a season? My daughter is just not getting better. So after a few months my husband and I both realized this was going to be a change in lifestyle not something we simple get through and then resume "life". It was going to be a different life. 

Living life in the midst of real pain and suffering. I did not understand this before a year ago. I don't mean that to sound like if you're not in a HARD situation you don't get it. But honestly, I didn't get it.  I would have small things here and there, but the reality of watching my kid suffer and struggle throughout every week has put me in an entire new frame of mind and guess what 

LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE HERE IN THIS SPOT WITH ME. 

 Maybe it's not their child but it's something. And while I would never want to live this year again and would gladly move on from this and look back on it as "that hard time" we aren't out of it yet and it has given me empathy I really didn't have for others before. 

 I know this is the song I've been singing a lot this year but people are hurting. People with strong
faith in God are hurting. Ignoring that pain either in your own life or others doesn't really help anyone.
 After the first few months of our daughters issues we realized we couldn't and didn't really want to be texting our family or close friends every time things got bad at our house. We did for a while but it began to feel like same old same old "and everyone's life is going on"......but ours is still in this hard
hard place. We still reach out when things are particularly bad but it has really challenged me to look around my life for the people I know are or were going through something really hard recently and go back and encourage them. They most likely are still struggling daily with it but it's past that point of urgency and honestly people move on. I know I've done it and trust me from the other perspective it's challenging to remind people you're suffering. Who wants to be that person lol! If you go to someone who has been hurting for a long time or struggling with an issue for a long time and ask how they are you're not reminding them of something they weren't already thinking about. 

We've also been challenged (and told!) to share more what's going on rather than revert to isolation. It's not people fault they don't know when we are having really hard weeks if we don't tell anyone or ask anyone for prayer. It can be hard because you feel like you're saying the same thing week after week but reach out, community and fellowship have huge power. We have felt such weight lifted off of us when we have our community group pray for us.

This post doesn't have really any great form or flow to it but that's where we are at. Life still is a rush of doctors appointments and no answers, frustration and pain but also joy. We have ultimate joy because we know who holds Juliana's fate. This is hard to understand and even harder to accept. We can say we give our kids to the Lord, but what does that really look. Are you really willing to trust him with that thing so precious to you. I can tell you he is trustworthy to hold it. I remind myself this, I read scripture that reminds me of this as truth -- not just a good thing I tell myself to feel better. There are still lots of tears and God has worked through a lot of anger in my heart about watching her suffer -- that's another post for later when I'm ready to really show you all how nasty that process can be!

Hugs

Tasks Tasks

I would start out by saying the whole "this blog is so neglected" but let's be real, this blog is what it is right now. In this season of life it's more like the once every few weeks post. I start so many but inevitably something happens to take my eyes away....and I'm not complaining, honestly as challenging as having little kiddos is I really really love it. I am not anxious for school years, is that weird?! I just want to hold on to these sweet sweet days of no real "structure" (I mean of course we have appointments, meetings, the usual) but with a 1 and 3 year old my day is what we want it to be. If it's 10 am and we want to go to the park we can! I'm sure I'll love school age when we get there but I'm not ready yet :) 

People say constantly that life is about "balance", I've never really seen that so clearly as in motherhood. Because if I want to have a clean house I CAN -- it just means other things have to go or be sacrificed. If we want to eat healthy, exercise, do crafts, go on play dates, work, etc we can it's just a constant juggling act.  I know I'm preaching to the choir. And not just moms at all, that's just where I have seen it most clearly displayed in my life. Because before I honestly could almost get everything in. I can survive and function well on a freakishly little amount of sleep (this is now coming back to bite me MAJORLY in my children who inherited this amazing special gift aren't you jealous?) But a whole new adjustment had to come when I realized I couldn't and never will be able to get it all done. Lately I have been working on, instead of whining and complaining that my day's work is pointless and all I do is wash the same dishes and wipe up the same messes (I do this too, just ask my husband) I am trying trying trying (or rather, praying praying praying) to allow God to use these days for his glory. It changes my whole mindset, every task of every day when I can on occasion see it that way. This never ending "LIST" of things I think need to happen sometimes really don't. How can I even expect him to work and move in me when I'm running a million miles and hour in every direction?

I'm sure you've felt the same. Even just sitting in one spot and looking around at your house, yard, office whatever you can start to make a mental list of every task you need to do. All the sudden you feel overwhelmed with the ongoing maintenance of life. Part of this is our culture, we are so so so work driven, or rather, task completion oriented. Just travel to a couple other countries and you will realize how ingrained it is in you to work hard hard hard all day long. And this is NOT a bad thing, but sometimes it can be your enemy and something that really crushes your spirit because you feel like you just can't keep up. I remember in Italy, France, Asia and so many other places we've been afternoon time would hit and BAM store fronts start closing because it's rest time. You don't even bother going out in the afternoon because everything is closed. I wouldn't mind this being copied in our culture!! I think there are obvious positives and negatives to this, but what I love is the mentality that things can wait. In a culture where many of us or our husbands come home from work and after dinner work again until bed it does kind of make me sad that we can't adapt to that mentality that it's OK IF EVERYTHING doesn't get done. Guess what it'll still be there tomorrow! 

Anyways just some thoughts. Don't be crushed by the ongoing list or the tasks that are never ending. Take a minute and think "what relationships need the care and attention I'm about to give to my to do list". What if you spent your time, what if I spent my time encouraging, loving and supporting others as an integral part of my day.

Maybe add it to our list :) 

Taking steps...

I had the awesome privileged of helping with a women's gathering this past weekend called the IF gathering. It was such an amazing time, if you ever have the opportunity to go to one, please please do and check it out here! I've been mulling over all the wonderful messages I heard this past week. 

I was especially thinking about them today as I was on a fun walk with my kiddos -- well I say it was fun now that's it's over, but during the walk I came upon several hills, one large one in particular. As usual, I began to think (or rather gasp for air) "ughhhhhhh I wish I was at the top of this hill. Done climbing and able to look back at what I just did." Of course this is true because pushing a stroller with one 20 lb and one 30 lb kid is challenging for me lol! BUT I couldn't help but see the blatantly obvious analogy to my life right now-- and everyone's I think....

I so often say to Jeremy that I wish we were at the point in this situation with our daughter's health where we could finally look back and see how it grew us, or remembering God's help and faithfulness during that time, anything to be past this trial--I'm done climbing I want to be at the top looking back! 

Looking at the top of the hill this morning I even thought "I can't, I'm too tired, I should figure out a different way back home. It's too steep I'll never make it up." But looking at the step in front of me, it wasn't that steep, I could take that step. And then I could take another, and another. 

I know this is no new analogy or way of thinking, but it really hits home for me today. Looking at the "task" ahead I really do feel often that I can't do it, it will be too hard, how will I manage......but I CAN take the step one at a time. 

Even just tomorrow......thinking about the day as a whole makes my anxiety rise. What if they do find something wrong in her brain? What if we find no answer again? What if she has a reaction to the anesthesia this time? What will the next steps be if ANY?! The day seems like too much because it is too much for me. I even catch myself thinking "I've done this 5 times before we CAN DO THIS" ya know, as if some sort of mantra in my head will help. But the reality again is that I can't. I need Jesus to help take each step in front of me. I can't handle looking at the top of that hill it just seems too high. So I can get her up and get through the morning without food or water, I can help her get through sedation, out of sedation, the long drive home and through whatever news we hear.

He can and I know he will faithfully help me with each step. 

One of the speakers this weekend talked a lot about how a racer would never quit on the last and final lap right?! For us we can't see the top of the hill with the mountains in our life. We don't know if we are 3 steps away or 50. But put your foot in and step out faith. 

And for us the "top of this mountain" might not even be a cure or solution for her but that we will see the blessing of this trail. I think we often think that the mountain is always a trial and being done with that "trial" is the top -- but I strongly argue that's not it. Because of course there's a new hill or mountain to face and it's about how you decide to go up. Alone, mustering up all your strength and feeling drained, tired, and done. Or with full understanding that Christ is who walking you up each step, supplying for your needs and tending to your heart so even in the midst of the climb you can feel refreshed and full of life. 

So whatever mountain you have in front of you that just seems too big, too high, too much please think about all this........I know you're tired, but look at that step in front of you? Can you ask him to help you take that one? Focus on that step and do it well. Whether it's going to that job and dealing with rude people all day, handling a medical issue, a family trauma or wiping poop and puke off yourself day in and day out, whatever it is. Continue to take the step. Not because YOU can, but because God is big! And he can and will walk with you.