When you hear nothing.

This season of our lives has been more than the word "challenging" can really sum up. 

As I write I hear the steady "hiccup, hiccup, hiccup" of my toddler. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of talking about it. We are in a discouraging spot where we had been so full of hope  in the diagnosis of her having this esophagus disease and that it would be the SOURCE of her hiccups. Months into the medicines and rigid diet we still see no change. While we pray it just needs more time there's no other word for how we feel--aggravated. 

Sometimes we get into these habits of feeling entitled. Like God owes us. For whatever reason.....maybe we've been "good", or spent our life serving Him, or have already had so many bad things happen we don't deserve one more thing. But he doesn't owe us. I've been noticing that pattern in my thinking. I want to say that I am handling this season, the most difficult I've ever faced, with grace, hope and patience.
But that is not always the case.
 I've had to take captive my thoughts and attitudes of anger about this situation. I get so upset that is happening to her. That I feel like every family around me has normal 3 year olds with normal struggles (another misconception that we only see when angry!) My husband said tonight that he was grateful for what this trial was doing in our lives and walk with God.
My first thought was "really?!" I would so much rather have a trial of my own in my own suffering or pain than have to watch my tiny child go through anything. But isn't that just it? It's hardest to trust him with the things I value most, to hand over the thing clutched hard in my hand, unwilling to give up for fear that he won't handle it with the care necessary.
My husband has been the constant, daily reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness throughout this whole thing. My mind often struggles with why God is allowing this to a person like me who already has a tendency to fret and worry -- but again that's just the point. He has so much to teach me and has already in this.

I'm not in control.

I never have been in control.

When things are going easy in life there is the illusion that we hold some ounce of control but we don't. He is the only one I can trust with this. He will save the day. We pray that he will use doctors and some revolutionary cure or cause for her case that no one has ever seen or heard of.....but it will be him.

So as we pray and wait and hear nothing, see nothing, we trust. As I lay for hours and plead for hiccups to stop at night I rest in peace that he will take care of her. Even when they don't stop. My faith and trust in God is not dependent on if he does what I want in my life. He's not my genie in a a bottle who "if he really loved me" would do what I am asking. Bad and painful things happen in life and we spout out things like "God why would you let this happen, why won't you stop it, etc etc". God isn't in a box that we understand and control, and we never ask why he chooses to allow blessings when things are happy and good -- but yikes are we angry when they get bad.

He has this whole crazy painful life worked out for his purpose. None of it makes any sense or seems to have any purpose right now but it does in him.
Soon we hopefully come out of this, and it can be something to look back to and remember that urgent dependency on Christ. And if life doesn't change we continue to wait. Expectantly waiting on him even when we hear nothing.

I hope in some way this encourages you. I know my blog is kind of a downer lately but life isn't exactly easy right now, but is it ever? I know hurting people are everywhere. They are easier to see when you are hurting too. What a unfathomable joy it is to take this burden that feels like pounds of bricks on my shoulders at times and offload them on him. I can't imagine my life without Christ and what he has done for us.

Pain and Struggles. This is real life.

We all have moments in our life where our perspective changes. 

It can be small things like a conversation with a friend that changes your thinking about something, or bigger moments like grand trips, new love or times of crisis. 

For anyone following along with me lately you know we've been dealing with some challenging health issues with our 3 year old daughter. "challenging". Everyone says that............like when the doctor says you will feel "some discomfort". Come on already it's gonna hurt! 

Last week we spent 3 days in the hospital searching for answers and getting lots of testing done. While I was happy to be getting it all done and finally know, anyone's natural tendency when in the hospital is just to GET OUT lol. You just want to go home even if you know getting answers is better. 

I've had lots to think about since then. Not only for my own daughter's health but all the other families we met. Since Jules' wasn't a "sick" contagious child we were on the wing of the hospital with the other children getting MRI's or who have cancer. 

I can't stop thinking about them. We got my daughter's biopsy results today and it shows that she has an immune disease called eosinophilic esophagitis, basically her esophagus is having an allergic reaction to foods and such---as I understand it. It was incredibly inflamed and could be the cause of her terrible hiccups and a slue of other problems. BUT it is fixable. She will be fine. Is it what I want for my child? Of course not. But she will be fine. 

So there I am for 3 days hanging out with the parents of kids fighting cancer, watching their life.................and wondering if my child ends up having a brain tumor what my life may look like. Then I get that call today and while I take probably my first deep breath in a long time, I instantly think of all the other parents who didn't get results like that. Sure we can move forward and over time forget that terrible place of sick and dying children, but that is a reality for so many families. 

(I walked into the play room and my mom was telling the kids stories, love my mom)

Jeremy and I were talking on the way home from the hospital about how we all have levels in our life of what is the "most stressful thing in our life (currently)". For us this definitely was the top. MRI's, sedation's, lots of talk of tumors and worse of all unknowns. But for others........MRI's are a part of their monthly check, or they have IV's with CHEMO stamped on it like little Ben who I met and grew so fond of in 3 days. For them, what we are going through is so much lower.

 But then there we were, comparing our problems to our neighbor we had in our room who needed a knee MRI. We found ourselves thinking "I wish we were just here for a knee MRI". But that's just it, for them that was the highest stress they've encountered. They were scared, they were stressed and even if we KNEW (in our minds) our stress was greater it doesn't change the reality in front of them.

We both vowed to try try try and remember this when interacting with our friends, family and anyone we see. 

We always think what we are going through is the most important thing because it is the most stressful thing to us. But that doesn't mean we can belittle other people's struggles just because we know ours are greater. But it does mean we can remember there are others around us who may be battling bigger things. These people are everywhere. 

(Hospital view sunrise, lots of prayer done here.)

You may be running through dollar tree on your way to hang out with friends or in a hurry to get your kids home for lunch and nap but each person you interact with is struggling with something very real and very big to them. On Thursday I walked to a nearby deli while Juliana was having her MRI. There was nothing I could do for those 3 hours. The nurses encouraged me to go for a walk and get some food. Oh sure, ok, I'll walk the park while my toddler is sedated and completely out of my care.

While I felt like standing outside the door and crying (maybe I did that too for a bit :) I knew it was a good idea. So I walked to this beautiful market. I was in my own world. Almost like when ou feel like you're in a dream ya know? Everywhere I saw people laughing and enjoying meals together or deep in conversation. How could life be going on like normal all around me while my baby was inside a machine looking for tumors in her chest? The girl at the counter asked what brought me in that day and I mentioned that sadly I was coming from the hospital. Before I left she brought over two caramel cookies and put them on my table saying "for you" with a smile :) That meant so much to me in that moment. 

So I want to try to do more of that. Not be so in my own bubble of kids, shopping, cleaning and LIFE that I can't see hurting people around me. The opportunities to share the Gospel are endless we just need to look up. We hate talking about pain and struggles but that is daily life people. You're not reminding someone of their struggle when you ask about it....you are showing them you see it and care about it. 

Thank you for your prayers for her! We need lots of prayer that her hiccups would not get that bad again because we really don't want to go back to the hospital :) As much as we miss our little friends :)