Filling an empty tank

Last week at the GF office we watched a really short video that focused in on identifying what "drains" and what "fills" you as an individual. It was really good, and last night the hubs and I went on a date and really got to dive into those things. {Side note, we had no money left in our January eating out budget so we packed sandwiches and walked around the pond at a park -- it was great!} 

Anyways, it was great to brainstorm those things for ourselves and also to know them about each other. If you know what drains your spouse than you can either A. NOT do those things lol or B.Understand they need some inflow since they just had a big out pour.

  

We are still working on our lists, it's hard to think of the specific things that just suck you dry but I challenge you to do it! With these past months being some of the most draining and exhausting of our lives we have learned firsthand how bad we handle stress at times in the sense that we just go into extreme survival mode. And I think there are times in life where that's just the reality. 

 If in the midst of  hospital visits, medications and appointments Jeremy had said "I need to fill my tank I'll be out fishing all day" it probably wouldn't have been the BEST form of refilling in that specific time. But to an extent we do need to do this. When Juliana was getting one of her many MRI's instead of sitting outside the room I went for a walk around the park across the street. Be mindful of things that are just draining you so that you can make sure to double up on things that fill you. 

For me just getting outside in some form of nature works, even 10 minutes. After a long tantrum and no nap filled day I will absolutely walk around our block when Jeremy gets home. Knowing the specific things that tear down and build up our spouse makes us able to serve each other better and a much better team overall! 

Here is the video check it out :) 

When you hear nothing.

This season of our lives has been more than the word "challenging" can really sum up. 

As I write I hear the steady "hiccup, hiccup, hiccup" of my toddler. I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it, I'm tired of talking about it. We are in a discouraging spot where we had been so full of hope  in the diagnosis of her having this esophagus disease and that it would be the SOURCE of her hiccups. Months into the medicines and rigid diet we still see no change. While we pray it just needs more time there's no other word for how we feel--aggravated. 

Sometimes we get into these habits of feeling entitled. Like God owes us. For whatever reason.....maybe we've been "good", or spent our life serving Him, or have already had so many bad things happen we don't deserve one more thing. But he doesn't owe us. I've been noticing that pattern in my thinking. I want to say that I am handling this season, the most difficult I've ever faced, with grace, hope and patience.
But that is not always the case.
 I've had to take captive my thoughts and attitudes of anger about this situation. I get so upset that is happening to her. That I feel like every family around me has normal 3 year olds with normal struggles (another misconception that we only see when angry!) My husband said tonight that he was grateful for what this trial was doing in our lives and walk with God.
My first thought was "really?!" I would so much rather have a trial of my own in my own suffering or pain than have to watch my tiny child go through anything. But isn't that just it? It's hardest to trust him with the things I value most, to hand over the thing clutched hard in my hand, unwilling to give up for fear that he won't handle it with the care necessary.
My husband has been the constant, daily reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness throughout this whole thing. My mind often struggles with why God is allowing this to a person like me who already has a tendency to fret and worry -- but again that's just the point. He has so much to teach me and has already in this.

I'm not in control.

I never have been in control.

When things are going easy in life there is the illusion that we hold some ounce of control but we don't. He is the only one I can trust with this. He will save the day. We pray that he will use doctors and some revolutionary cure or cause for her case that no one has ever seen or heard of.....but it will be him.

So as we pray and wait and hear nothing, see nothing, we trust. As I lay for hours and plead for hiccups to stop at night I rest in peace that he will take care of her. Even when they don't stop. My faith and trust in God is not dependent on if he does what I want in my life. He's not my genie in a a bottle who "if he really loved me" would do what I am asking. Bad and painful things happen in life and we spout out things like "God why would you let this happen, why won't you stop it, etc etc". God isn't in a box that we understand and control, and we never ask why he chooses to allow blessings when things are happy and good -- but yikes are we angry when they get bad.

He has this whole crazy painful life worked out for his purpose. None of it makes any sense or seems to have any purpose right now but it does in him.
Soon we hopefully come out of this, and it can be something to look back to and remember that urgent dependency on Christ. And if life doesn't change we continue to wait. Expectantly waiting on him even when we hear nothing.

I hope in some way this encourages you. I know my blog is kind of a downer lately but life isn't exactly easy right now, but is it ever? I know hurting people are everywhere. They are easier to see when you are hurting too. What a unfathomable joy it is to take this burden that feels like pounds of bricks on my shoulders at times and offload them on him. I can't imagine my life without Christ and what he has done for us.

Daddy is so stupid

Nice title right? 

I don't love writing these kinds of posts because they also convict my own heart, but it is truth that needs to be said and heard. 

"Daddy is such an idiot." 

You would never say that right? 

Or would you? Maybe you do and are not aware of it?

I have seen several posts about the importance of dads and the respect due here and there lately (I am sure largely to Father's Day coming up) but in my opinion it's still not enough. 

The "You are saint for being a stay at home mom" posts still outnumber them 100 to 1. 

Lets start with the problems, then work on the solutions. 

1. Making fun of daddy 

I am beginning with this one because I am definitely guilty of this too. Whether it's "innocent" teasing about how to prepare the baby food or actual cruel joking about his skills as a dad, making fun of your husband for ways that he fathers because it doesn't line up with your same ideals will not only not help anything, it will greatly damage. My dad shared when he was officiating our wedding (as he does at many others) about never using sarcasm. I think I know what you are thinking, you guys are special right? You have a fun special relationship that sarcasm just works perfectly into? I say wrong. Sarcasm is fun when you are dishing it out but we have all experienced when someone uses sarcasm a bit too close to home on one of our own issues. I say avoid it. It almost always has an underlying message to that person. 

2. Being angry at him for not knowing how to do everything perfectly

The conversation goes something like this. "What is wrong with you. Don't you know you can't do x, y, z like that????" We are outraged and angry that they could forget to do what we see as a simple and basic task for the well being of our child. Let me ask you, do you remember being a new mom? Do you remember how you woke up every morning and had no idea what you were doing? You almost felt like someone was going to find out you had no clue what to do and deem you unfit for motherhood? I do. Over time we learned how to rock and sway that baby to sleep, how to distract the toddler while brushing those teeth in the back, or the art of changing a poopy diaper so quickly the baby doesn't have a chance to grab their own poop. Most of us mother all day every day. They don't! Give them the grace you wanted to receive from other moms who knew it all when you were first learning. Sure your kids may not be newborns anymore and you feel like he should know everything by now, but dad might not know that today your toddler decided to be scared of anything that looks like a worm, or that your baby is putting everything in his mouth. Give them time and grace instead of expectations and disappointment. 

3. Not extending Grace 

This ties in with the one above. You know when you are exhausted, it's 5:30 pm and you are about to lose it if you don't get a break or at least have 2 minutes in the bathroom SOON. You are flustered, frustrated and upset with the days' never ending demands. And that seems to justify in your mind any bad or rude behavior on your part. Moms tell each other all the time "oh it's ok you feel like you lost your temper or responded poorly, I do it. You are doing the best you can." I agree that grace is needed, always; but while we are very welcoming of it for ourselves we are stingy with giving it out to our husbands. We are a full-time mom so we are allowed to lose it and "need a break"  but when he gets home, fire might pour from our mouths if he doesn't jump in and help the second he walks in the door. I am not saying I think it's ok for a dad to zone out with a beer and the tv every night all night. Of course not...........but some nights? Yes. He needs a break too. Not because he is entitled to it more or less than you, but because you love him and want the best for him. In turn he will provide those breaks for you. But when both people are clenching and grabbing at "me time" I promise it either won't happen at all, or one person ends up bitter and angry every time the other gets a break. 

4. Treating Him like a Babysitter 

Daddy is just as much your child's parent as you are. I cringe to even write this but I cannot tell you how many times I have heard these words from so many people. "Can't you please pick up your own kid", "Can't you help me for a minute", "All I am asking you to do is watch the kids for 1 hour while I go shopping". I am sure you have heard it too. I have been guilty of saying it. What happens is you're replacing respect for him and instead treating him like someone who answers to you when it comes to parenting. What begins to happen is you feel like the parent and your husband the babysitter who needs specific instructions and help when it comes to watching his own children. Food for thought = While it may be true that you would not have put the toddler to bed with just nuts and ice cream as dinner or forgotten to put the baby in new clothes after eating banana, what you cannot see is all the fun, love and provision he was attending to with those children while you were gone. And guess what? They desperately need that. They need him and his specific ways of parenting them. Dads are not moms, and that doesn't mean what society tells us it means. Society says, "Dads are NO mothers" as if we are levels above them in skill and care taking, what I am saying is Dads are not moms and that is just as it should be. Don't step in constantly to do things your way and have your kids miss out on the important ways that daddy parents. 

5. Moms know they are the preferred parent, and often act on it

Something amazing, tiring and life changing happens that first year of motherhood. From birth on (but especially around months 10-14) there is one person that baby wants 24/7........and it is mama. If mom is in the room that baby will whine fuss and cry until she and she alone is holding them. This can often makes dads feel less loved or wanted by their children even though it is a very typical phase. Even with toddlers this is not uncommon. There was a solid 6 months with our first child where every single night when my husband would get home she would run away crying and screaming till she found me to hide behind. Can you imagine coming home to that? Instead of using that leverage in a fight or "need for a break" even more help your children have fun times with daddy by being near if that is helpful or being out of site if that is better. The days are coming when daddy will be the super hero fighter man and you won't appreciate it any more than he does if he says  "They want ME, they need ME".  This is part of parenthood. Go with the eb and flow as ONE UNIT. Not as competing ones. 

6. We treat them like they are stupid 

This is the overarching message we communicate with problems 1-5. Even if you do not say these words, your kiddos see every eye roll, death glare and muttered word that you direct at each other. Even worse, when you are constantly disrespecting daddy, your kids will begin to do the same thing. I have heard many stories of a moms being shocked when their child looks at their dad and says "what an idiot move dad" yet fails to understand where that child picked up on that kind of communication. Wives need to stop publicly (and privately) degrading their husbands as men and fathers. Have you ever been in a room when a husband and wife are fighting? Or when a she is just hurling "funny" insults on his "skills" as a father? Is there anything more uncomfortable and awkward about that situation. I am not making dads out to be blameless saints who never sin, but if you have issues with how he did bath time or is soothing the baby take your conversation behind closed doors or wait till you are alone together. Usually by then you will realize it really doesn't matter at all and is not worth the constant criticism of him. Let me tell you something else, if you as a wife never let up on every little thing he does wrong as a dad, he will often just stop trying. Who wants to put forth the effort when all they will get is pushed down?

Can we all make a conscious effort to stop with the criticism and degrading talk we often use when communicating with our husbands? We love them, we love their interactions with our kids and we need them. Choose to say these words instead of ones that damage. You cannot do this on your own strength, ask for God's help and when you fail, genuinely ask for forgiveness and start again. 

[Go and love your husbands and tell them how much you appreciate them and then buy them a case of beer and turn on the game.]

My husband wrote that last part when I asked him to proof-read it :) hehe, so I decided to leave it.