Pain and Struggles. This is real life.

We all have moments in our life where our perspective changes. 

It can be small things like a conversation with a friend that changes your thinking about something, or bigger moments like grand trips, new love or times of crisis. 

For anyone following along with me lately you know we've been dealing with some challenging health issues with our 3 year old daughter. "challenging". Everyone says that............like when the doctor says you will feel "some discomfort". Come on already it's gonna hurt! 

Last week we spent 3 days in the hospital searching for answers and getting lots of testing done. While I was happy to be getting it all done and finally know, anyone's natural tendency when in the hospital is just to GET OUT lol. You just want to go home even if you know getting answers is better. 

I've had lots to think about since then. Not only for my own daughter's health but all the other families we met. Since Jules' wasn't a "sick" contagious child we were on the wing of the hospital with the other children getting MRI's or who have cancer. 

I can't stop thinking about them. We got my daughter's biopsy results today and it shows that she has an immune disease called eosinophilic esophagitis, basically her esophagus is having an allergic reaction to foods and such---as I understand it. It was incredibly inflamed and could be the cause of her terrible hiccups and a slue of other problems. BUT it is fixable. She will be fine. Is it what I want for my child? Of course not. But she will be fine. 

So there I am for 3 days hanging out with the parents of kids fighting cancer, watching their life.................and wondering if my child ends up having a brain tumor what my life may look like. Then I get that call today and while I take probably my first deep breath in a long time, I instantly think of all the other parents who didn't get results like that. Sure we can move forward and over time forget that terrible place of sick and dying children, but that is a reality for so many families. 

(I walked into the play room and my mom was telling the kids stories, love my mom)

Jeremy and I were talking on the way home from the hospital about how we all have levels in our life of what is the "most stressful thing in our life (currently)". For us this definitely was the top. MRI's, sedation's, lots of talk of tumors and worse of all unknowns. But for others........MRI's are a part of their monthly check, or they have IV's with CHEMO stamped on it like little Ben who I met and grew so fond of in 3 days. For them, what we are going through is so much lower.

 But then there we were, comparing our problems to our neighbor we had in our room who needed a knee MRI. We found ourselves thinking "I wish we were just here for a knee MRI". But that's just it, for them that was the highest stress they've encountered. They were scared, they were stressed and even if we KNEW (in our minds) our stress was greater it doesn't change the reality in front of them.

We both vowed to try try try and remember this when interacting with our friends, family and anyone we see. 

We always think what we are going through is the most important thing because it is the most stressful thing to us. But that doesn't mean we can belittle other people's struggles just because we know ours are greater. But it does mean we can remember there are others around us who may be battling bigger things. These people are everywhere. 

(Hospital view sunrise, lots of prayer done here.)

You may be running through dollar tree on your way to hang out with friends or in a hurry to get your kids home for lunch and nap but each person you interact with is struggling with something very real and very big to them. On Thursday I walked to a nearby deli while Juliana was having her MRI. There was nothing I could do for those 3 hours. The nurses encouraged me to go for a walk and get some food. Oh sure, ok, I'll walk the park while my toddler is sedated and completely out of my care.

While I felt like standing outside the door and crying (maybe I did that too for a bit :) I knew it was a good idea. So I walked to this beautiful market. I was in my own world. Almost like when ou feel like you're in a dream ya know? Everywhere I saw people laughing and enjoying meals together or deep in conversation. How could life be going on like normal all around me while my baby was inside a machine looking for tumors in her chest? The girl at the counter asked what brought me in that day and I mentioned that sadly I was coming from the hospital. Before I left she brought over two caramel cookies and put them on my table saying "for you" with a smile :) That meant so much to me in that moment. 

So I want to try to do more of that. Not be so in my own bubble of kids, shopping, cleaning and LIFE that I can't see hurting people around me. The opportunities to share the Gospel are endless we just need to look up. We hate talking about pain and struggles but that is daily life people. You're not reminding someone of their struggle when you ask about it....you are showing them you see it and care about it. 

Thank you for your prayers for her! We need lots of prayer that her hiccups would not get that bad again because we really don't want to go back to the hospital :) As much as we miss our little friends :) 

Daddy is so stupid

Nice title right? 

I don't love writing these kinds of posts because they also convict my own heart, but it is truth that needs to be said and heard. 

"Daddy is such an idiot." 

You would never say that right? 

Or would you? Maybe you do and are not aware of it?

I have seen several posts about the importance of dads and the respect due here and there lately (I am sure largely to Father's Day coming up) but in my opinion it's still not enough. 

The "You are saint for being a stay at home mom" posts still outnumber them 100 to 1. 

Lets start with the problems, then work on the solutions. 

1. Making fun of daddy 

I am beginning with this one because I am definitely guilty of this too. Whether it's "innocent" teasing about how to prepare the baby food or actual cruel joking about his skills as a dad, making fun of your husband for ways that he fathers because it doesn't line up with your same ideals will not only not help anything, it will greatly damage. My dad shared when he was officiating our wedding (as he does at many others) about never using sarcasm. I think I know what you are thinking, you guys are special right? You have a fun special relationship that sarcasm just works perfectly into? I say wrong. Sarcasm is fun when you are dishing it out but we have all experienced when someone uses sarcasm a bit too close to home on one of our own issues. I say avoid it. It almost always has an underlying message to that person. 

2. Being angry at him for not knowing how to do everything perfectly

The conversation goes something like this. "What is wrong with you. Don't you know you can't do x, y, z like that????" We are outraged and angry that they could forget to do what we see as a simple and basic task for the well being of our child. Let me ask you, do you remember being a new mom? Do you remember how you woke up every morning and had no idea what you were doing? You almost felt like someone was going to find out you had no clue what to do and deem you unfit for motherhood? I do. Over time we learned how to rock and sway that baby to sleep, how to distract the toddler while brushing those teeth in the back, or the art of changing a poopy diaper so quickly the baby doesn't have a chance to grab their own poop. Most of us mother all day every day. They don't! Give them the grace you wanted to receive from other moms who knew it all when you were first learning. Sure your kids may not be newborns anymore and you feel like he should know everything by now, but dad might not know that today your toddler decided to be scared of anything that looks like a worm, or that your baby is putting everything in his mouth. Give them time and grace instead of expectations and disappointment. 

3. Not extending Grace 

This ties in with the one above. You know when you are exhausted, it's 5:30 pm and you are about to lose it if you don't get a break or at least have 2 minutes in the bathroom SOON. You are flustered, frustrated and upset with the days' never ending demands. And that seems to justify in your mind any bad or rude behavior on your part. Moms tell each other all the time "oh it's ok you feel like you lost your temper or responded poorly, I do it. You are doing the best you can." I agree that grace is needed, always; but while we are very welcoming of it for ourselves we are stingy with giving it out to our husbands. We are a full-time mom so we are allowed to lose it and "need a break"  but when he gets home, fire might pour from our mouths if he doesn't jump in and help the second he walks in the door. I am not saying I think it's ok for a dad to zone out with a beer and the tv every night all night. Of course not...........but some nights? Yes. He needs a break too. Not because he is entitled to it more or less than you, but because you love him and want the best for him. In turn he will provide those breaks for you. But when both people are clenching and grabbing at "me time" I promise it either won't happen at all, or one person ends up bitter and angry every time the other gets a break. 

4. Treating Him like a Babysitter 

Daddy is just as much your child's parent as you are. I cringe to even write this but I cannot tell you how many times I have heard these words from so many people. "Can't you please pick up your own kid", "Can't you help me for a minute", "All I am asking you to do is watch the kids for 1 hour while I go shopping". I am sure you have heard it too. I have been guilty of saying it. What happens is you're replacing respect for him and instead treating him like someone who answers to you when it comes to parenting. What begins to happen is you feel like the parent and your husband the babysitter who needs specific instructions and help when it comes to watching his own children. Food for thought = While it may be true that you would not have put the toddler to bed with just nuts and ice cream as dinner or forgotten to put the baby in new clothes after eating banana, what you cannot see is all the fun, love and provision he was attending to with those children while you were gone. And guess what? They desperately need that. They need him and his specific ways of parenting them. Dads are not moms, and that doesn't mean what society tells us it means. Society says, "Dads are NO mothers" as if we are levels above them in skill and care taking, what I am saying is Dads are not moms and that is just as it should be. Don't step in constantly to do things your way and have your kids miss out on the important ways that daddy parents. 

5. Moms know they are the preferred parent, and often act on it

Something amazing, tiring and life changing happens that first year of motherhood. From birth on (but especially around months 10-14) there is one person that baby wants 24/7........and it is mama. If mom is in the room that baby will whine fuss and cry until she and she alone is holding them. This can often makes dads feel less loved or wanted by their children even though it is a very typical phase. Even with toddlers this is not uncommon. There was a solid 6 months with our first child where every single night when my husband would get home she would run away crying and screaming till she found me to hide behind. Can you imagine coming home to that? Instead of using that leverage in a fight or "need for a break" even more help your children have fun times with daddy by being near if that is helpful or being out of site if that is better. The days are coming when daddy will be the super hero fighter man and you won't appreciate it any more than he does if he says  "They want ME, they need ME".  This is part of parenthood. Go with the eb and flow as ONE UNIT. Not as competing ones. 

6. We treat them like they are stupid 

This is the overarching message we communicate with problems 1-5. Even if you do not say these words, your kiddos see every eye roll, death glare and muttered word that you direct at each other. Even worse, when you are constantly disrespecting daddy, your kids will begin to do the same thing. I have heard many stories of a moms being shocked when their child looks at their dad and says "what an idiot move dad" yet fails to understand where that child picked up on that kind of communication. Wives need to stop publicly (and privately) degrading their husbands as men and fathers. Have you ever been in a room when a husband and wife are fighting? Or when a she is just hurling "funny" insults on his "skills" as a father? Is there anything more uncomfortable and awkward about that situation. I am not making dads out to be blameless saints who never sin, but if you have issues with how he did bath time or is soothing the baby take your conversation behind closed doors or wait till you are alone together. Usually by then you will realize it really doesn't matter at all and is not worth the constant criticism of him. Let me tell you something else, if you as a wife never let up on every little thing he does wrong as a dad, he will often just stop trying. Who wants to put forth the effort when all they will get is pushed down?

Can we all make a conscious effort to stop with the criticism and degrading talk we often use when communicating with our husbands? We love them, we love their interactions with our kids and we need them. Choose to say these words instead of ones that damage. You cannot do this on your own strength, ask for God's help and when you fail, genuinely ask for forgiveness and start again. 

[Go and love your husbands and tell them how much you appreciate them and then buy them a case of beer and turn on the game.]

My husband wrote that last part when I asked him to proof-read it :) hehe, so I decided to leave it. 

Grass-Fed or God-Fed?

I have recently found myself swept along (and in my opinion rightly so!) with those who are becoming increasingly disgusted with what the average American consumes as "food" and what are diet as a culture consists of. 

I hate that we are eating pink slime and think it's beef, I hate that MSG is in everything and that it not only is USED to fatten rats it kills brain cells, I hate that farmers have to abide by a whole host of rules and regulations brought on by large companies, and I hate a lot more things about our food industry. 

I have become slightly obsessed with reading articles, buying grass-fed butters and meats, spending my FREE TIME watching food documentaries and yes, reading more and more and more articles or at least pinning about them to show that I am appalled by the norm. 

However, I have also had a recent wake up call about how I was spending not only my time and attention, but things more important like my thoughts, my plans for my days and my hopes for my family's life. 

I, along with the rest of you fellow paleo-ers, want to consume less garbage and simply eat the REAL food God put on the earth for us to eat. I want my kids to grow up healthy with limited health issues and not be addicted to having sugar in everything they touch, and I want to promote a healthy culture and planet which is all very important  ...... BUT, why do I want to do all these things? If you asked me, I would say because I want to have a long life to share the love of Christ with those around me and not be bogged down with feeling sick. But how am I spending the time I already have been given now? 

While there is truth to the fact that I need to eat a certain way so that I am literally not sick all the time, there is more truth that while my physical body is being taken care of like a pristine item, my soul can be starving and dry. 

And while there is truth to the fact that I love and enjoy reading articles about food and there is no harm in that, I somehow have no time or energy left to read my Bible or even just sit with my Lord. 

This challenge is for my fellow Christians who like me, are doing their best to care for the needs and bodies of their family, but quite honestly, are spending our days trying to paint and perfect a burning piece of wood. My body has a function, yes it needs to function well so I need to take care of it as a temple of God, BUT it is a body for my soul. How can we not see that we are spending all our time working to preserve something that will die instead of the spirit which will live on?

We go to such lengths to make sure we ingest less toxins and chemicals yet don't care about what we feed our souls. We watch things that we shouldn't that fill our minds with ideals and standards that are not set by God but the world on how we should live. We are like a soldier who is training and training with the perfect physically strong body but we never see battle. 

I write this as much to myself as to you. I can recite articles and quotes and recipes that further my knowledge about clean eating yet........... where is that verse again? The one about salvation offered to all men? I don't know it because I don't KNOW it well. I know those recipes and quotes because I do and say them over and over and over again. 

I am not advocating that we eat junk and trash our bodies, that is clearly not Biblical. But neither is the idolatry of putting what we eat and consume physically above what we eat and consume spiritually. Colossians 3:1-3 says,

 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

Of course it's not bad to eat primal/paleo/real food and take care of our families. But keep directing your mind and attention back on Him, back on eternal things that will last. If you spend your life and days and hours focusing on taking perfect care of your body you will be devastated one day when you face death. I noticed that the more time I spent in front of my computer reading about what I should be eating the less I spent time with God (duh!).  When people think of me I want them to know I am the one who is passionate about the love of Christ, not passionate about what you eat and would defend it till blue in the face. He is what matters, love him and love people. 

Take care of your body with the balance of taking care of your soul and the countless souls who are dying daily without ever even hearing the name Jesus. 

 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." 

2 Cor. 4:16