Thursday, August 20, 2015

Back Again

I love blogging for so many reasons. First and foremost it was always a real space for me -- an online journal if you will. I love looking back (especially when I was diligent in writing) and seeing the memories. Since I had 2 readers for quite a while it never mattered what I wrote it was just a way for me to get words out that were making my head go crazy. Then when people start reading you start thinking about what they either do or don't want to hear.

I can't tell you how many times just this month I've opened up my blog, dying to get it the madness in my mind or even excitingly write about a passionate subject.....but then I just stare at the blinking line. I worry that because of the "season" we are going through no one wants to hear more depressing words or watch me wrestle with ugly issues that I can't clearly articulate. 

But I know that's a lie, everyone is struggling and the last thing they need is a "perfect" dialog of someone's "perfect" life. Or even worse, the perfect dialog of someone when they are suffering--as if even that doesn't phase them. I know words have power to impact people. Hopefully my measly scattered posts help you in some way or maybe if you're in a season of pure joy and excitement stash it away for later when troubles come lol. 

Last night I opened my blog intending to get something down and ended up going back through years of posts. It was joyful and also hard. Reliving all the moments of this past year. The ups, the downs, the ugly fears and small victories. It was hard for me seeing one post a month for most of this year -- again not because I didn't want to write but because when I would sit down I know what is going to come out and I worry people don't want to hear it anymore. But hey you opened this to read.

(How I wrote this blog :) 

When you are going through what you think is a "season" or a "trial" it's easy to just gear up and get through it. During a period of time like that we often respond to people in short manners, stressed or angry behavior........and then once that "trial" or stressful event is over we reflect and realize, "well I didn't handle that very well" and that's usually when (I) go apologize to my husband and whoever but usually justify it saying "sorry I was just really stressed with this or that".

But what do you do when a season looks like it's no longer a season? My daughter is just not getting better. So after a few months my husband and I both realized this was going to be a change in lifestyle not something we simple get through and then resume "life". It was going to be a different life. 

Living life in the midst of real pain and suffering. I did not understand this before a year ago. I don't mean that to sound like if you're not in a HARD situation you don't get it. But honestly, I didn't get it.  I would have small things here and there, but the reality of watching my kid suffer and struggle throughout every week has put me in an entire new frame of mind and guess what 

 Maybe it's not their child but it's something. And while I would never want to live this year again and would gladly move on from this and look back on it as "that hard time" we aren't out of it yet and it has given me empathy I really didn't have for others before. 

 I know this is the song I've been singing a lot this year but people are hurting. People with strong
faith in God are hurting. Ignoring that pain either in your own life or others doesn't really help anyone.
 After the first few months of our daughters issues we realized we couldn't and didn't really want to be texting our family or close friends every time things got bad at our house. We did for a while but it began to feel like same old same old "and everyone's life is going on"......but ours is still in this hard
hard place. We still reach out when things are particularly bad but it has really challenged me to look around my life for the people I know are or were going through something really hard recently and go back and encourage them. They most likely are still struggling daily with it but it's past that point of urgency and honestly people move on. I know I've done it and trust me from the other perspective it's challenging to remind people you're suffering. Who wants to be that person lol! If you go to someone who has been hurting for a long time or struggling with an issue for a long time and ask how they are you're not reminding them of something they weren't already thinking about. 

We've also been challenged (and told!) to share more what's going on rather than revert to isolation. It's not people fault they don't know when we are having really hard weeks if we don't tell anyone or ask anyone for prayer. It can be hard because you feel like you're saying the same thing week after week but reach out, community and fellowship have huge power. We have felt such weight lifted off of us when we have our community group pray for us.

This post doesn't have really any great form or flow to it but that's where we are at. Life still is a rush of doctors appointments and no answers, frustration and pain but also joy. We have ultimate joy because we know who holds Juliana's fate. This is hard to understand and even harder to accept. We can say we give our kids to the Lord, but what does that really look. Are you really willing to trust him with that thing so precious to you. I can tell you he is trustworthy to hold it. I remind myself this, I read scripture that reminds me of this as truth -- not just a good thing I tell myself to feel better. There are still lots of tears and God has worked through a lot of anger in my heart about watching her suffer -- that's another post for later when I'm ready to really show you all how nasty that process can be!


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Cathy Keller said...

Enjoyed your post. I often sit and wonder what I will post as I find this is the only "journal" I've ever been able to manage. All others are abandoned and put on a shelf. This one I can come back to because there are others who offer me support and inspiration! I think you are one of those. Have a grand weekend! Oh! I do enjoy the music!

Suzy Mae said...

I am so sorry to hear that you have been through so much this year. There is truly nothing harder to bear than knowing our kids are hurting.

Blogging used to be much more about journaling the ups and downs of real life. And those kinds of blogs are still the blogs I read most.
Thank you for your honesty :)

Melanie Posset said...

Anne, thank you for this post and for being so open about what's going on in your life and your heart. I'm thinking about Juliana and all of you often and will continue to pray for her and you all. <3